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Caring for relatives.....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Forum' started by Union Jack, Nov 1, 2013.

  1. Union Jack

    Union Jack DI Forum Adept

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    Asian culture is much different from our western attitude towards the caring of older relatives.
    Asian people tend to treat their elderly parents with the utmost respect and care for them whenever and however possible, and this is truly admirable.
    What I would like to learn is to which extend the responsibility shifts to the caring of siblings when both parents are not longer living.
    I would really like to hear from pinays, especially those living and working abroad.
    I understand, and it would be wrong not to, to shoulder some of the responsibility of helping younger siblings to complete their studies, ensuring their well being until they get to a certain age where they can fend for themselves, just like a surrogate mother would.
    I want to learn and understand....
    If a pinay or pinoy for that matter, is living and working abroad is considered extremely lucky by the rest of the family, if she or he then marries a westerner, even better.
    Is she or he expected, as the only family member abroad, to take perpetual care of her relatives, even married siblings with children of their own, nephews and nieces and so forth?
    Poverty and joblessness are chronic in the Philippines but does this justify the expectation and heavy burden placed on the shoulders of the "lucky" relative working abroad, often paid a low salary if not physically abused?
    I want to learn....
     
  2. nice_sherwood

    nice_sherwood DI Senior Member

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    As a pinay, before i got married I made it clear to my husband my responsibilities towards my family. I became a sole breadwinner right after my dad got killed ( and i dont think i had any choice either) but thinking back the last thing i'd do is turn my back on them I must admit it was really tough and to be honest its taking a toll on my marriage although my husband agreed to help financially there's some instances he gets upset and its very hard for me cause its like im torn between my old family vs my new one and priority wise even if you try i tried to do my damnest best so he feels that my new family is far more important, arguments are still unavoidable. i think you should just put some boundaries or limits on how much your willing to help the family and have a pre-discussion before getting yourself in a relationship.

    my case is probably different compared to most, i became a sole breadwinner at the age of 18 because my husband got killed, mum had a severe stroke and i end up shouldering all the responsibilities towards my younger siblings. it can get really tough i tell you but as a filipino, no matter how life gets, most of us dont turn our backs to our elders especially to our parents. thats how we're raised and been brought up.
     
  3. OP
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    Union Jack

    Union Jack DI Forum Adept

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    Hi nice_sherwood and many thanks for your heart felt reply.
    I guess there are similarities in any instance where a pinay/pinoy is working and living abroad.
    My wife and I got married pretty young and there was never a serious argument about remitting money back home.
    The deal was that we would help when and if we could, no pressure from either part and it worked brilliantly.
    We have now been happily married for 28 years. My wife had managed to remit enough money to enable 3 of her younger siblings to complete their studies (she comes from a large family), look after her mum and put a roof on their heads even before meeting me. When her mum passed away, bless her, we sent money (not a lot, admittedly) to her by now grown up and mostly married brothers and also to support a couple of nephews in their studies but guess what.....poor school results, the boys preferring to spend the day playing snooker and worse rather then study, the parents not following them...
    After all this, not a sign of brotherly love or inquire on how we are, just expectation, jealousy and back stabbing.
    I sincerely hope this is not typical of filipino behavior but as far as I am concerned, lesson learned.
    My question is still open, how far and for how long is a pinay/pinoy expected, by tradition, to look after her siblings (even older then her) and does this responsibility extend to their children (nephews and nieces)?
     
  4. march

    march DI New Member

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    Just give money for their education since education might be the only way for them to be self-sufficient in the future. If the kids are producing low grades, then don't send money anymore because it's clear that they dont want to study. Unfortunately, most filipinos, especially the poor, do not realize until they are old and can not return back to study that the only way to improve their lives is by studying so that they can have better jobs. They keep on blaming the government (which is really part of the problem) but they do not do their share of labor to improve their lives. Some poor filipinos already improved their lives by studying at the same time working. unfortunately, most are just lying around, bashing and blaming other people for their misery.
     
  5. march

    march DI New Member

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    On how far and for how long is a pinay/pinoy expected, by tradition, to look after her siblings, there is no limit. As long as you are giving money to them, they will take advantage of it. You have to say no when you feel that it is not right anymore. For me, I will only give for their education, and if they screw up, the money will stop. Giving for emergencies (hospitalization) is also not bad. But giving them monthly allowance for their food, entertainment, etc. is a bad idea since you will only tolerate their laziness.

    dont be affected by their jealousy and back stabbing. its a typical filipino trait which they do to their fellow filipino as well. that's why this country is having a hard time progressing. of course, not all filipinos are like that, but most are.
     
  6. OP
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    Union Jack

    Union Jack DI Forum Adept

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    Hi march, spot on, I agree with all you said. What saddens me is that I was willing to help the nephews with their studies because they then could have helped their parents out of poverty but they had other things in mind so I said the hell with it and all I got in return for the past help is back stabbing because the cow has now run dried as if it was my fault for their current situation... maybe they were hoping for a steady cash flow so they could have just chilled all day in perpetuity...how wrong they were! My pinay wife is now even more adamant then i am not to send any more money to her constantly lamenting and lazy brothers, the classic situation where you offered a finger and they grabbed the arm
     
  7. garbonzo

    garbonzo DI Senior Member Veteran Marines

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    My wife's situation is not all that different from 'nice sherwood' (thanks for the insightful post!). My wife was orphaned as a teenager with four brothers and four sisters. Unfortunately the brothers were pretty much inclined towards manual labor etc…none of them were in danger of being Rhodes scholars….the sisters were brighter, took education more seriously, and did well in school so my wife had been (after enormous effort on her own of raising the rest of them…working full time…and simultaneously doing an accounting university degree in Bacolod)….and paying for her younger sisters education. When I met her and we agreed to marry….I told her (since I was the only one working in Saudi at the time - and she no chance of employment there) that I would assume that responsibility. Which I/we carried out….only for them to find deadbeat 'husbands' and turn into baby factories right after graduation….each and every sister. That didn't go well - for them or us. Wasted money…lost cause…permanent poverty for them.

    So next generation….we could see during our visits there that a lot of her brothers and sisters were raising very bright kids. So we decided…we'll try this again - one more time..…So we paid for their schooling (and we're talking well over a dozen kids - I've never actually counted them) up thru university or technical college…whichever path their lives took them. And we hit gold. Great bunch of young people who not only got good educations….went on to prosper in their new careers….Several are now working in various parts of the world…others are doing well in the Philippines. And they are substantially supporting their parents…and helping other relatives with their educations. So our job is done….took a while….thirty plus years….but we are pleased with the results. We visited a couple of them happily working in Singapore recently, well paid with great jobs..…..Good things can happen…
     
  8. Larry_H

    Larry_H DI Member

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    I'm d*mn lucky. My wife's family is all self-sufficient. Not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but they all work and do fairly well. Dad is a Barangay Captian and her brothers all have decent jobs. Before I met my wife, she was an OFW and she worked and paid for the younger sister's college as her older brother paid for hers.

    When we got married, my wife told her family that I was not a ATM or a charity and that we would be living in the Phils. Because of our choice of residence, we would need to pay for our own medical needs and since I am older than her father, our savings is for any need that we may have in the future; not theirs.

    Her family ( now mine) really is great. They haven't asked for a thing from me and they don't expect anything from me except to love and take good care of their daughter/sister.
     
  9. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    Larry, Like so many of us, this statement is, I feel, heartfelt but as many of us here have found, This may and most likely will, change when you are actually living here. When I was still in Spain, I said exactly the same thing. Now, that I am here, on the doorstep, the little Requests get bigger each week/month. Rest assured, as Foreigners, we are expected to do, what a foreigners do. Bail the family out, All to many times, I have heard and said it myself, My Extended Family is Great.

    It is only when you are here Full time or any real length of time, that the realities of a Foreigner in the family, comes to a Head and Wow, Try, saying no every time You will see a big difference in a great family here.

    I am sure, that this is not just my Situation.

    I would add however, My Wife is the only one actually doing anything, concrete for her Mama 89 years old, ( I wonder why?)
     
  10. nice_sherwood

    nice_sherwood DI Senior Member

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    hi garbonzo! im glad to hear your family's situation have worked out well. my cousin (whom we supported throughout his uni) is graduating next year and we're all looking forward to see him on stage and im pretty confident that he will return the favor by helping his family one day. Actually there was 8 of them back them that we've supported to study unfortunately only one have made it. (that is still a good thing right?lol), the other one who was doing civil engineering wanted an easy money so took the opportunity to work abroad to be an apple picker for 3 months and he was on his 3rd yr of studing civil engineering. what a waste! but i was pissed when he just took off without even letting us know, i thought all the money ive sent for his tuition fees was going to school but he instead pay it on his visa but the sad part now is, he only makes a 100 grand for 3 months then the rest of the year his got no work and his got a big family to feed. ive unfortunately cut the bridges since they think im the bad person now because i have refused to helped him after what he did. (oh well..what can u do?they never take faults)

    same story as the others so at the moment im now focusing on my younger siblings. i am hoping they will do well in school so far they are as i have kept reminding them that its all that i can help them and if they dont help themselves, they only have one chance with me and if they screw it then they can get nicked. if you think of it really,they've been offered to change their lives to the better and thats a very good opportunity if they think smart but we just cant be forever helping them.they need to help themselves. thanks for sharing.
     
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