Dating and Bringing Chaperone

My wife's 22 yr old cousin and her kid from Dipolog are here this week while her parents harvest coconuts from their mountain farm. She had made arrangements on Asian Dating to meet a foreigner while here in Dumaguete. After arriving the guy texted her to meet up. She told him she would have to have her cousin (my wife) and her foreigner husband chaperone her. The guy did not want us to come and told her, look, I am a nice guy, I want to meet you alone at McDonald's and if you don't like me, I will get you a cab home. He didn't say what his intentions were if she did like him. She said no chaperone no meeting, so they never met. This was less than a week after the girl in Dipolog was murdered apparently by Ali *sshole. Too bad no meeting, I had a few questions for the guy.

 

PatO, I know this probably does not apply to your situation, but this is what i have experienced many times when you try to meet someone. Many of the experinces have not been positive which is why I am still single, but happy most of the time.

Having done this a few times, I will reflect on my experiences in this area. The purpose of meeting should be to get to know each other. Many times more than one meeting is required.

There is a concern because there needs to be security for both people involved, not just the Filipina. I like a public spot, and McD's is the most public spot in Dumaguete where people will really notice someone else and the activities at the table. The Rob Mall is more public but no one really notices what is going on between two people. It is good to have a chaperone present, but the number should only be one in my opinion at the table. Remember that Dumaguete is small with a lot of gossip. If you meet the same lady twice in a public restaurant people will soon be asking you where you wife is. NO guns allowed at the first meeting, permissible at future meeting if necessary.... hahahaha

The reason why men do not like the chaperone experience is five fold:

First there is usually not just a friend Chaperone that is brought alone , but every cousin that is hungry that day. The meal becomes a "Fiesta Party" even including take out if is allowed. I allow and even encourage a chaperone, but only one,.. not the extended family. It only takes one person to yell "Help" in a public arena. I totally understand the need for a chaperone, as I have a daughter too. However, I do not believe that the chaperone should play the role of the challenging interrogator. You can gleam a lot of information from friendly questions if the questions are well thought out, with the understanding this is research meeting, not a closing meeting. It should be a friendly relationship building experience even if you can know first off that she is not right lady for you... be nice though the whole meeting . . .

Secondly if there is more than one other there, all of a sudden the language spoken is Filipino, (quite certainly this will not apply to Pat) and the foreigner only understands he is feeding the family.All the sideboard discussions are going on between member of the family in the filipino language, and there is NO communication between the foreigner and Filpina. If this is the case the meeting really is not happening. Of Coarse this can be great for the Filipina as her reputation as being able to throw a good party with lots of food has just been enhanced. The purpose of meeting is to communicate and get to know eat other, not to show the family that the lady can be the "Breadwinner" for all of the of relatives. I have specifically told ladies they can bring one, and even after the third meeting date, they still bring three or four of their friends or co-workers. The purpose of this behavior is to build up the ladies "breadwinner" reputation with her friends and family, and to see how much the man can be manipulated by with his need to be loved, not to develop a relationship with a man. The breadwinner at the first meeting will be the the same bread winner when she moves her family into your house and you have to move out.

Thirdly instead of a friendly "get to know you" meeting it can be a 4 or more against one integration meeting, developing a mood of an hostile interrogation going on. The meeting should be consider a "first of a series of research meeting" not the only meeting to close "the deal" ... take your time. We have all experienced having walked up to a retail counter by yourself you know the questions they ask without any boundaries: First Question: Are you married? You live along? Do you own a house? Do you own a car? I have a cousin, with two kids who is looking for a foreigner... (usually by this point in time I have grabbed my purchase and left, hoping to never see the sales person again.) Being out numbered with rapid fired question can be quite intimidating, and usually not relationship building experience. Llisten to the questions carefully, as they many times show the real intent of the questioner.

Fourth there is no privacy in the conversation with multiple chaperones, and the "date" is usually connect more to her mulitple friends than her date. (this also applies to constant texting during the meeting by any of the parties) The Filipino cultural finds almost any question acceptable. Many times the other guests join in rapid fire questions, if there is more than one it is overwhelming to say the least. . Good foreigners have their own cultural boundaries on the appropriate question to ask, bad ones, or intoxicated ones do not. Privacy during conversation I believe gives more honest answers, and revealing of intent of both parties. The purpose of the meeting should be to get to know the other person, not to put on a stage show of bola-bola

Fifth, many times the chaperone becomes the "economic enabler" requesting every they they can off the menu, also take out. If the guy has no "balls" and is trying to prove he is a nice guy. Even at McDonalds he can find himself payiing for a 1,200 P meal at McDonalds for three with a few carry out bags for the ladies. The purpose of the meeting should be to get to know each other in depth, not just to know how able and willing to you are to support their family and firends by buying everything for them..

Alternatives is to having only one chaperone is to have other hidden in the area, outside of ear shot so the couple can talk privately. If there is so much concern about the guy that more than one chaperone is required then maybe the meeting should never be set up. If the Filipina is a relative/friend of yours then educate the Filpina in what to ask and do not accept all answers as the truth. Remember neither person has any credibility until it is established. The first meet up usually has little previous creditably building time.

I accept the one person chaperone, and even multiply meetings if necessary, Having a single chaperone also allow the ladies chaperon to remove some of the Shyness of the lady. I know longer accept the multiple chaperone program on the first meeting, unless the mulitple chaperons want to pay for their own way. Once they realize you are paying the number quickly will increase to three to four chaperones. I let the lady pick the place and time so she can feel safe and comfortable.. I always say "sure bring a many as you want as long as more than one pay their own way." This usually ends the proposed date if the idea on her part was to have a Fiesta Party at your expense, but you have a good understanding of why they want to get together in the first place. The meeting would only have been journey down the a bunny trial until your wallet was empty. The purpose of the meeting should be to know much more about each other, not just if you are able and willing to support their extended family.

I am sure they are many more positive experiences than I have noted here as I see married guys here. I just keep the bar very high, and am independent enough not to be needy for love.

THIS DISCUSSION ( and PatO) SHOULD PROBABLY A THREAD OF IT OWN AS IT MORE ABOUT THE FIRST DATE THAN MURDER..
@Wrye83

 

Dave, your comments are slanted toward how you feel about a chaperone joining in a first-time meeting, with little talk about how the girl might feel or what is in her best interest. It would be interesting hearing from a girl's perspective.
I included my post in this section because the girl i mentioned is from the same town a girl was murdered from less than a week ago.
Whether a chaperone is an interrogator or merely an observer, the chaperone will be offering advice to the girl - take it or leave it. I can see where the foreigner might not like it if he is only looking for a one night stand and not a serious relationship.

 

Well No names So no Pack drill, But not all that long ago, a member here told us one Lunch time meet that he had only been here a few days and met up with a Staff Member of a Notoriously Questionable Bar/ Resto that he quite Liked. Long Story cut short, they arranged a Lunch date at a Resort for the Following Day. YUP! The Whole Family Turned up. Some 4.000+ bill and a Goodnight Vienna.
Had he read this before Today, I am sure he would have had to make a Phone/CR call at an early stage in the Proceedings.
Life really is a learning Curve.

JP

 

Taking a simplistic view of a chaperone involvement in an introduction meeting, let's assume we can group the players into groups of fours. Two guy groups and two girl groups. Two guy groups in my scenarios are two types: Those hooking up with an online dating service hoping to find a serious relationship and/or marriage; and those looking for a one night stand as they travel likely Asian countries. The girl groups would be: Those nice girls hoping to meet a nice foreigner to improve their (and their family's) future; and those who have been around and schooled or experienced in dating foreigner and everything that implies. The way I see it the nice girl could possibly benefit from a chaperone as well as any naive foreigner could use a foreigner chaperone himself.
We all know the experienced girls are going to have their own game plan and the one night stand guys will as well, so no chaperone needed.
If I was a chaperone for a guy wanting to meet my sister-in-law, how many guys would show me their passports if I asked to see it? I bet d*mn few.
Just yacking...

 

I totally agree with what you are saying. The problem I see is when someone (anyone of the four types) get ahead of themselves on the game plan. Relationships are developed one step a time in my book. Getting information is first step, but just as importantly is the process of having to substantiate the information given information here in the Philippines (on both sides) before moving to the next step. I have found that when I just accept information as the truth and go with it, I soon find myself in the embarrassing position of being totally unaware of reality, and making decisions based on false realities. I would not be asking for a passport too early, just as I do not ask for a birth certificate too early but I do not wait to long either. Yes I have asked for birth certificates, and I make a copy for myself.

But like the passport requests, the reaction to the request for real information is probably more important
than the document itself, because with the birth certificate any relative's certificate can be used. ​

Personally I have never found myself before in a social/cultural situation where so much information is mis-information as I have here.

 

My response to the passport request would be "Why do you want to see it"??? Itsa similar response to when people ask me "how much did it cost?" If the guy is a "player", you will know in just a few minutes of conversation, if he is sincere and no "rookie" to travel, HE would be offended by such an intrusion--personally, I would just walk away from the entire situation. No offense meant, but I just refuse to be treated like a miscreant.