Eastern vs Western culture. I personally believe they are both an emotionally immature way of dealing with arguments/disagreements/loss of face within a relationship (could be romantic, a friendship and business relationship) and they need to be approached differently. Note: I also think Filipinos both sulk and tampo depending on the situation....being able to identify which is happening can be very difficult at times, since the offended party isn't volunteering any information. The only method I find that works for this tampo thing is to just suck it up and apologize, regardless if you were right or wrong in the original disagreement. The good thing about this is that I've found you don't have to be specific with why you are sorry, just have to make sure the words "I'm sorry" are present...and whatever you do, never say the word "tampo" while you are trying to make your apology. This might be because what causes tampo, in my opinion, has more to do with losing face than an the actual disagreement. I have never had to deal with a serious tampo as I am aware of the importance of saving face in the Philippines. A sulk can be dealt with a more rational, Western, approach IMO. You'll have to get your crowbar out and pry the actual problem out of the person, but talking will not be a complete waste of breath as it is with tampo. Spoiler: Dealing with a Sulk If all that talking fails it is probably because my diagnosis of the behavior is wrong and it actually isn't sulking, but a tampo instead....at which point I walk away for an hour or so and then come back and say, "I'm sorry." Note: Sometimes we are actually in the wrong and should be truly sorry for what we have done. Not saying that the tampo behavior isn't warranted at times. This is just my opinion and I could be completely wrong here, maybe the two behaviors are one in the same and there is a better way to deal with it. I'm curious if others have found a better way to deal with tampo/sulking in a relationship and how they view the two behaviors. Any thoughts?
The difference? Well, one is mostly performed by women and the other is mostly performed by women! (lol). How to deal with a Tampo: Just say if you treat me like this I will leave and find someone else. To say "sorry" imo is like paying hostage-takers.
Sulking can be a lot of things. Tampo(Tagalog)/ Pangluod(Cebuano) means resentment when not treated fairly which is displayed by sulking.
I could agree with one alteration. I would say it is: ]resentment when "a female jumps to the incorrect conclusion that she is" not treated fairly which is displayed by sulking.
I have seen Filipino men tampo/sulk when they have lost face and don't have the physical, financial or social ability to take it back. It is not only women that use it. I've also seen plenty of male expats use it as well. As stated in my OP, it is an immature way of dealing with a perceived problem. Just because a person sulks does not mean that they haven't been wronged...it just means they don't know of a way to properly communicate and deal with that problem. If someone is tampo/sulking it is up to the more mature party (if there is one present) to teach them how to properly communicate their displeasure in their partner's actions, and that can be a rather difficult thing to teach when almost everyone around them is practicing a different method of resolving conflicts. Telling a partner to learn how to better deal with conflict or GTFO, and then never offer to help them learn, is a bit harsh IMO.
With the wife I will sit back and think if it was my mistake, if even 50/50 I will apologize. A majority of the time it makes no sense to me and I just ignore it and do my own thing until she comes around. I don't normally have a ton of patience but fortunately I can usually find something to do around the house when home. Her family does not seem to have all that many issues with me and have only apologized 1 time and even though I was correct it was just easier to suck it up. One thing that is a bit funny to me is that there are a lot of expectations that you understand/respect their culture, but very little regards for my culture especially with interactions. When I'm out and about I am good at dealing with things, but in the house I designed, had built and payed for I expect folks to respect how I want things to go. Biggest pet peeve is that I have 3 bathrooms, don't p*ss on the side of the house and never smoke in the house. Shawn
I am generally in agreement with weighting the Philippine culture over 'ours'. Regardless of the visa we are here on, we are guests in their country. Your house, while it is yours and therefore should be heavily weighted to your rules, is still in the Philippines. If we were in the States it would be the same but weighted to the culture in the States. Thinking about how I treated 'guests' from other countries it was always, I understand and respect your culture - but you are in the States and this is how we do things. I had a front license plate for many years that said "Love America or Leave It". Trying to abide by the 'golden rule', Treat others how you want to be treated, I feel I must Love the Philippines (Guatemala, Hong Kong, Germany, England, Saudi, Spain... and everywhere else I have lived) or Leave It. (this post might help explain why I so often say ....but we are guests here)
This is lack of discipline and common sense which can happen anywhere in the world. Can you cite a better example of "your culture" that is not respected?
I apologise when I raise my voice even if I am wronged. It's better to set up rules. When that set of things you agree upon still cause problems then you probably don't like each other at all. I have this habit of saying over and over when in discomfort-hunger, pain, and all things physical and sometimes I forget that it annoys my partner but he is aware that I just can't stop so he finds a way to deal with it.
I would suggest that this is somewhat analogous to the feeling towards foreigners who don't try to fit in and learn English in the US.
