Why i stopped going to (insert restaurant here).....

Sadly I have yet to eat at any establishment in the Phils I could rave about. I’ve had some pretty good experiences and had some ghastly ones. I think it’s because I might have trained my palate too well over the years from my domicile before coming here. It has sadly turned me into a foodie snob. Please don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy roadside bbq with a Grande or go the extra few Pesos at a resort or a ‘fayne dining’ establishment in Duma (er, where?), Cebu or Manila.

BK (Before Kids) I used to splash out on 3 hour taxi rides across Manila so the now wife could sample Spanish Tapas or Lebanese Meze...but it still didn’t have that ‘zing’ despite being cooked or served by some very nice folk from their particular countries of origin. So wind the clock on a couple of years, still BK, I take the now wife to Seville, Singapore, Gujarat, or a Mayoune in Istanbul, the Djema in Marrakech and immediately she is on to a comparison. I guess the setting and local ingredients make the difference.

I miss a decent authentic tandoor too, so I build one at home. Apart from suffering 3rd degree burns up my arm it does the trick reasonably well and makes a half decent naan - but I can’t hold a candle to your genuine article operated by Sanoop on the road from Bubaneshwar to Chennai - but I would opt for my version over anything found here. I guess access to fresh spices and the edge that home made has makes the difference. Oh, and as Abu Dhabi is packed with Indians there are gallons of shops serving the Indian palate so my travel lite policy fails abjectly as the bag is packed with dals, dried Kashmiri chillis, spices and what not when I come home. Guess I could open a restaurant.

But what makes me really cross, no, incandescent with rage here in the Phils is the way some establishments can get away with flogging something that it isn’t. I have my eyes on you, you frauds. Three examples stand out over the last two years: “Atlantic Wild Salmon”. As a boy I used to fish ‘em out the estuary where I grew up. I also know the difference between that and farmed salmon. Wrong. Don’t ever. “Sea Bass” - er, you mean Patagonian Toothfish. And don’t try to persuade me either. Tie me a bowline waiter right here and now, tell me how it was caught, but don’t dare lie through your nose to me.

And finally, a source of National concern in the manner of authenticity and style of serving. It caused a thermonuclear lobby meltdown at Waterfront Airport in 2016. I haven’t been back. “Devonshire cream tea served with real Devonshire cream”. It’s an effing Cornish cream tea you ****wits!!! Not only that you don’t split the scone and put the jam on one half, and the cream on the other for the consumer. You let them construct it. If you are an inbred from Devon you put the cream on first and then the jam on top. Devon folk are ashamed of their cream and hide it under the jam. End of. To borrow and improve Trump’s refrain of “America First”, it’s Jam First. About time we built that wall too between Devon and Cornwall.

The most pernicious sin during this incident was the cream itself. I’m pretty tolerant of Devonshire cream, after all some of my best friends are from Devon. It differs not one iota from Cornish clotted cream. But a squirt from a can, some vanilla essence and sugar is not Devonshire cream. It’s the illusion of Devonshire cream. Just how long would one get for murder on ‘culinary-ethnic crimes of passion’ charges here in the Phils ? At the least the French used to get this sort of thing right when it came to affairs of the heart.

So my friends, alas, I’m sceptical and spoilt when it comes to dining out. I much prefer the DIY approach, provided I can get my mitts on reasonably authentic ingredients and know a thing a two about preparation and cooking. But I have yet to be “wowed” by restaurants serving fare from other nations here in the Phils. I wouldn’t give it 5*s, as I am not an Uber-fan of Filipino cooking, but for utility, reasonably efficient service, tastiness etc I’ll plump for Hay-a-Hay. But don’t get me started on the flavour of the fish, cold water grown = better flavour as it takes time, warmer seas, less flavour as the Isda is rapid growing. That’s my ha’penny worth. And you call that a crab? Looks like something that would crawl over my nether regions after a visit to one of your more untidy ‘massage parlours’...now a real crab....over and out.

 

Hey Cerne, like your comment, but one disagreement, but it's only somewhat. I spent 40 yrs in San Francisco and a few in New York, and although my budget didn't allow me to become a foodie fanatic, i think i came away with a good appreciation for fine food. There are a few restaurants here which i consider SF quality and can rave about, being Alima, Adamo and Salaya. A few more are close, none of which have tried to serve Cornish Cream Tea..

Other than those, even at which i would pass out if the appetizer arrived first followed by the main courses together, I simply tell myself that the other restaurants are enjoyable, considering the friendly and relaxing atmosphere and prices... At least i've never waited in line here for two hours for a 1500 peso per person weekend brunch..

 

Edward, can you please recommed dishes to order at Adamo. I’ve heard both very good and disappointment from guys. I live south of Dumaguete so going north at night for dinner makes me nervous but might try it. Thank you.

 

No disagreement there! The best korma I ever had was in a beach shack on Varkala beach 23 odd years ago. About P25 - roughly - and all the lady did was pluck a few spices from her garden and send her old man up a coconut tree. I can still hear the crackle of spices as they tempered in the oil. That and a litre of KF. The sun setting for over the Arabian Sea....heaven.

 

Pollock, shore based, a relative of cod/haddock...doesn’t swim in open waters, hides in the weeds so the muscles don’t really grow. Best used for crab bait in pots. Wet n watery flesh. We might have different names but I know what you might be referring to as Bull Huss (dogfish) a member of the shark family. They used to flog it as “rock salmon” in the 70s to tourists around my parts. Not offensive tasting, palatable and firm fleshed. No way would I get the wife to eat it. Filipina maids are funny about such stuff. Cheers.

 

Might as well extend my rant. Is it me? Why oh why in some joints do they have no clue about how to serve wine. It usually begins with the ‘Sommelier’ who tries to push “what is popular here sir”. Translation: we are trying to offload a ton of Donkey pee on our customers. We bought a lake full at the end of the line cash n carry 2 years ago and we haven’t got rid of it all yet.

Each to their own, I don’t like Chardonnay. Oaked Chardonnay turns me into a homicidal maniac. So I avoid. None the less Day or Dong persist “what about this one sir?” Me: “it says Chardonnay on the description on your list, I don’t really like that.” Day or Dong: “what about this one sir?” (Pointing at another Chardonnay). Oh sweet Jesus...

Then 9/10 I have to do a little education. “Look, Chardonnay is a grape type. I don’t like it. Sauvignon is another. Pinot is another variety. The name of the wine tells you where it came from and the grape type too. Sabot Ikaw?” Day or Dong pointing to another Chardonnay: “what about this one sir?”

Finally, when my fussy tastes have been settled and we have agreed on something that is not out of stock or will prevent your car from overheating you have to ensure a red is not dumped in an ice bucket. Now I know that some reds benefit from chilling (don’t ask me which I’m not the bleeding Galloping Gourmet) but generally room temp will suffice. But despite very clear instructions back it comes suffering from vintners frostbite.

I appreciate the Phils is not exactly Margaret River, Bordeaux or Tuscany and so latitude is duly given. BUT: I may be an anti-social old grump with zero social skills, but my wife isn’t. It’s like she is invisible. She might as well be prattling away in a dialect from Rygil 4 as she backs up my requests in Visayan.

So. Taking the better half out is a game of chance. Like a Casino game of roulette. The odds are loaded against you the moment you step over the threshold. Sometimes I have won a tidy amount (finding a bottle of Chateau Musar in some restaurant in Manila) but most of time I am lucky not to develop tarantism at the sheer shoddiness of it all.

Btw I am not a misanthrope. I do like it here and wouldn’t swap it for all the tea in China. I’m just doing some rather boring statistical analysis on some results atm when I should be at leisure. Best get on with it.

 

Hi Pat, hard to do, since it changes with availability. I have often had the grilled fish dish, which is usually blue marlin, and that one has always been good. The beef dish has always been good. Had most of the other dishes, except the pork belly, which isn't my fav. Edison hasn't disappointed us yet, maybe we've been lucky..
....

 

Of course not. We don't infer that you are a misanthrope. However punctilious comes to mind.