THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.
Toilet paper!! Strange but true. how one things lead to another, lighthearted banter and a few smiles, are what we need daily, IMHO here is my input for the day!
The history of toilet paper. Obviously, toilet paper has not been around forever. We can be pretty sure that the caveman did not stop at his local Mega-superstore to pick up a case pack of Charmin. In fact, Since humans are the only animals that have the dexterity to actually wipe themselves after each defecation, it is currently believed that the original material used for cleaning (to put it politely) was leaves and sticks. Of course, where you lived help determine the material of choice. Mussel shells were very popular in coastal regions prior to toilet paper's popularity (approx. 1900). If you were lucky enough to be raised on the Hawaiian islands, you may have used good old coconut shells. If you were born into royalty, like Louis XIV, you would have used wool or lace for added comfort. In India and the Arab world, the most popular tool to use today (not that I have witnessed this) is the hand - the left hand to be specific. Of course, they cleanse their hands after this dirty deed. Many Arabs consider the Western practice of using paper to be disgusting - they feel that you always leave a residue by following this practice. They can't see how paper can actually get you perfectly clean. Some historians consider this the reason why we shake with our right hands - because traditionally the left hand was the dirty hand! Islamic tradition prescribes that you should wipe with stones or clods of earth, rinse with water, and finally dry with linen cloth. Pious men actually carry clods of earth in their turbans and carry small pitchers of water solely for this purpose. These men traditionally blot the end of their penis with pebbles or clods of earth. Others blot against a wall, which gave rise to a practical joke among the non-Muslims living around the Eastern Mediterranean - they dusted the outdoor walls at penis level with good old ground hot pepper. Ouch! In ancient Rome, all public toilets had a sponge attached to the end of a stick which soaked in a bucket of brine (salty water). The rich used wool and rosewater. During the late Middle Ages, the French invented the bidet for rinsing of both sexes (clearly, the original models did not have modern plumbing). During WWI, British and American troops found these devices in the brothels that they frequented, leading them to assume that they were only used by women for vaginal douching. In other words, men no longer use them. The material of choice among colonial America was corn cobs. When daily newspapers became commonplace in the 1700's, paper became the material of choice (I guess that one could say that Gutenberg's printing press caused the toilet paper revolution). Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773) wrote in a letter to his son that one should always carry with them a cheap copy of the Latin poets so that he would have something educational to read while on the pot, as well as having a good use for each page after reading it (This is not a quote, just a story). This lead to a major problem in England - the landscape was littered with paper - they didn't have modern sewers to take the stuff away from our sight. In the late 19th century, the Sears catalog became popular in rural America. People simply hung it up on a nail and had a free supply of 100's of pages of absorbent, uncoated paper. Corn cobs were still holding as a strong second place contender, however. Use of the Sears catalog declined in the 1930's due to the fact that they started printing on glossy, clay-coated paper. Many people complained to Sears about this glossy paper (Can you imagine writing a letter to Sears: Dear Sir, I want to register a complaint about your new glossy catalog paper. It is no longer soft and absorbent...). The first actual paper produced for wiping was in England in 1880. They were individual squares sold in boxes, not rolls. This paper was very coarse - the type the British prefer today. Americans like the soft, fluffy type, which was introduced in 1907. The original American product was sort of like crepe paper, if you remember that stuff from kindergarten. To make this background information complete, we need some statistics. I should warn you that these statistics are a bit grotesque and are based on a sample population of 106 people. Here we go: The average tear is 5.90 sheets of TP. 44% wipe from front to back from behind their backs. 60% look at the paper after they wipe. 42% fold, 33% crumple, 8% do both fold and crumple, 6% wrap it around their hands. 50% say that they have wiped with leaves. 8% have wiped with their hands. 2% have wiped with money!
In the British military emergency ration packs, there were three sheets per man , per day, perhaps. One up, one down and one polish.
Thanks for the info KDF Firstly, may I say I will never look at sweetcorn the same way again. Secondly with all that S**T blowing round England we must of had the best Tomatoes in Europe. Lastly if in 1880 in England we had very coarse paper it's to be expected because..... Co-arse is correct :o When I was a boy we used the Liverpool Echo, the ink came off quite easy! keep posting...JB
Good one. This story must have happened in the same family:- Wife says to husband, - I wish my breasts were bigger, I would love to know how to enlarge them, what do you think ? Husband thought for a while and said - well, if you rub a piece of toilet paper between them, that should do the trick ? Wife- really ? Are you sure ? Husband - of course, it worked for your bum didn't it ?....................... lol ......................
