HI Guys, Moving and nervous

Steve, your response is similar to the response every one of us here at the beginning of our tour.
Everybody I know, including me, thought we had the "good in-laws" and that this kinda thing was the other foreigners type of problem.

This is the last I'll say about it here...

As you make your plans for the move, keep this matter a priority, keep them folks at arms length.

Or you will pay for it dearly.

They were fine before you got here, they'll be fine without your help now.

 

People survive without the foreigner rescuer, but to do it the have to get off their

You are absolutely right. It always amazes me how huge emergencies disappear if not financed by the foreigner here immediately on demand. I know there must be a handbook out there as to how to put these emergencies together. The tips off for me that I am being used are that the situations seem to have one or more of the following characteristics:

Most emergencies have an emotional aspect: Dying because of lack of medicine, hungry because not enough money for rice (just ask home much the need and compare it with the average monthly income here and you will get a great perspective of the situation.), babies with out milk (what happen to the mom's brest? come on, I know the guys here like human milk but there has got to be some left for the babies.)

Time is of the essence, the money is need immediately (Medical emergencies are the best for this characteristic)

There are little or no facts that can be verified, or if you try verify information you run into a block way. (of course since time is of the essence then there is no time for the facts to be verified.

The people asking are usually a distance from you. Remember a text message can be sent from anywhere within the Philippines, and an email can be sent from anywhere in the world, and you never really know where they are located in if they give you a location. Distance makes it difficult to verify the situation, and makes one focus on how to help, not whether help is need or not.

If the format of communication changes texts are emails then there may be more than one person you are communicating with. Words that are consistently misspelled by one set of texts are not misspelled in another set of texts messages, or "zeros" are used in stead of the letter "o". To me this means there is a "handler" involved working the situation. Some texts are written by the glamour lady you have lost your heart over, and some by the handler. That causes the format change. The handler's job is to get money for the family, and is usually part of the family. Remember you never know who is writing the text messages.

"You do not like my family," comment is that is used. Is a tip that the manipulation has been started by the glamour star of the charade.

When you asked how to get them the money needed and they have all the answers, they may just have done this before.

I could list many specific examples but will refrain because they are so many and many other members have their own stories.

I do wonder why every lady I meet (on line or at a distance) has a mother that seems to have a deadly disease that need medication financial help immediately.

Although these can be construed as negative comments, they are happy guys here, and they are many wounded guys also. Time is something that is valuable to anyone trying to decipher the real situation. Do not give up your right to use time wisely to make a wise decisions. Any effort to remove time or make an emotional rather than logical decision is a warning sign. So do not make decisions in the bedroom.


After writing all of this, I must admit I just got a kiss on the check by a wonderful lady, someone I am developing trust in. It takes time to trust, and when the financial requests come fast and heavy there is no time to develop the need trust. When I went to this lady's cousin's birthday party, and she order 6 Grande Redhorses for the group, I waited. When it came time to pay, she paid. Most birthday parties of other past lady fiends I have been invited to cost me around $100 USD to attend, including the roasted pig ( that may have been me on the rotisserie... I can smell my flesh roasting now... or is the my plastic cards melting down). Lol

Take Care, enjoy your adventure, but be wise.

 

ChMacQueen -
Again, the family is 3 hours away, I Believe the expectations of them thinking its my job to support them and am prepared for that.

I've already been married so im quite cautious. To answer your question, she lived in my city with her ex-husband of 7 years. He was a complete ****. Cheated on her..Long story I really don't want to get into but I've known her for years. I'm 100% the kid is mine since she's lived with me for quite some time and spent every day with me, it wasnt until many months into us living together that she actually got pregnant, however for personal peace of mind I am still going to have it double checked -

There's so many to choose here, I've been in hundreds of relationships, been married and cheated on already, tired of the game..want to settle down, start a fam, and I strongly believe I've found the right one.

Hope this clarifies some of your concerns

 

Best of luck to you Steve, welcome to the institute!
Looking forward to meeting you someday soon.

 

If you have hobbies bring them with you. If it were me I would come here for at least 2 months get to know the city and talk to the expats before I committed to move here.If you get bored easy a town like Dumaguete won't dissapoint you.

 

Whoa Steve, I just reread your first post and see the word fiance. If you are not marrying her before you move to the PI you do know that you will have to deal with the perpetual Visa re-application process? My wife is still a PI citizen and when we visit me and our children are entitled to the Bilikbayan Visa, visits up to 12 months with only one visa stamp on our passports. I am pretty certain fiances do not qualify for that priviledge. Look up some of the older posts on this forum and read up on the Visa, healthcare and activities post to get a sample of what is in store for you.

My wifes family also has many businesses so I do not feel too much like an ATM from them, but we have been house broken and victim of the long nose tax. For me family has been more helpful than others have related here. Maybe you can take some college courses yourself or just keep yourself busy with your business.

 

Hi Steve. I am so happy you found the right one. You can never be too prepared in moving here so just do the best you can. About the family, if you want to give then give, if not then just say no, its as simple as that. I dont remember my family or relatives ever asking anything from my fiancee but we did talk about it because it may come in the future since he wants to live here in 5 years. Its a Filipino trait to give support to their family thats left behind. My mom is 61 years old and i told my fiancee i will find work and give support to my mom and he said ok as long as its my money and not his hahaha :D which is fair.
I believe you found your match. When you find the right Filipina for you, its a dream come true and thats why i am happy for you. All the best in life. Cheers!!

 

It is a different culture of support here

From the American cultural viewpoint, I was always under the impression the a marriage was a combining of all assets, and liabilities. A partnership of two loving people, hopefully with one partner filling in some of the others weak spots, and visa verse. It seems here the concept is the man supplies all the needs of his immediate family (wife and children etc) then the wife can go out and make additional funds which she has sole desecration of disperse usually to her not so immediate family. I have heard this concept often and it is totally acceptable to the culture here. It seems like the family's children, ladies and men, are expected to take care of the family as they grow up. Sometimes allowing the healthy relatively young fathers to quite work. That is one of the reasons for a large number of children in some cases for parental support. It also explains why some young couples have such a difficult time developing their own nest egg to develop their family. Understanding this variation of concept is important to a good relationship.

I have found that in my experiences in the US, the family support system is vertical, grandparents-parents- children, while here it seems more horizontal including the vertical aspects and then all the horizontal layers of cousins etc. The numbers when cousins, aunts and uncles are included start growing dramatically.

Understanding this variation of concept is important to a good relationship. Discussions and decisions so as not to have problems in the future can really help a relationship survive.

Personally I have not felt the direct pressures but my gf's have certainly been bombarded by the family "handler's" at times for as much support as can be gotten. I feel sorry for the GFs. I chose to end one relationship because the pressure I saw put on the GF I thought was unfair to her, but she was fine with it.

 

I honestly think you are wrong. the lady is usually the bread-earner for the family, unless it is family business. But the normal picture is that the lady earns the peso, while her husband happily spends it. If they are good husbands, they may pick her up from work with her bike, he drives the whole time...
The man in a relationship only supplies everything if he is a foreigner, so basically the lady is still the bread earner for the family.