Understanding, a Filipino Teenager??

my own daughter put me through hell from 14 to 17, I have my asawas little bro and sis that now is 16, I have shown them the door many times, and would not back down if had to.
Could I ask does your asawa back you up? or does she side with her daughter? it is normally the later unfortunately, in these cases all you can do is wait until she is old enough to leave home.
If your wife is brave enough to back you then you can have this little hormonal beast back in line soon.
I bet she is a txt txt even when at the dinner table and when the movie is on?? this rubs me up the wrong way.
its all about respect the schools don't teach it, all they promote is how to extort, eg. bring floor wax or you wont get good grades.
If your asawa will back and I don't mean just when you are present, I mean fully back you then show her the door threaten to send her to her Father or a relative where she is not so comfortable, take away the tv in her room, stereo etc, take away the cel phone at sleep time, bring her back to basics. see if she wants to look down her nose at you still. private school, threaten to send her to public school, and do it if you have too.
if you pay her way then get the respect that should be there, take away her own room.
I am afraid you spoiled her, now you have to un spoil her, does she help clean the dishes? does she sweep the floor? I bet muma does every thing for her???

 

I think that when parenting teens one frequently has to glance at the embroidery hung on the wall that reads
"This, too, Shall Pass"...

 

I don't tolerate disrespect in the house. I have established that this is simply something that you don't test me on and I don't have much of a problem with it. We have also established they have my full backing to move in with their father down the street if they don't like the rules in my house, I must not be too bad because nobody has taken me up on that.

I have a core set of principles which support my mission with the kids. That is, I'm preparing them be to productive adults in this society. The most important of these principles is to respect other people and to have personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is things like being back by curfew, checking in regularly, being truthful and taking care of household tasks.

Simlilary, I have a short list of major rules that align with those principles and that I'm strict with. Aside from that, I don't sweat the small stuff. I'm not bothered by laziness, texting at the table, eating in the sala and other things I feel that are minor. As long as they are taking care of the bigs things, I'm not going to b*tch about the small things.

We have a helper and I don't ask them to do typical chores. Instead, I have them do as many of the tasks required for running the house as possible. This includes picking up money from the ATM, grocery shopping, paying bills and taking care of the smaller kids. This works out well because this gives them confidence and they are quite auntonomous. If I were laid up for a week, they could run this place just fine. Indeed, they do a lot already.

I don't spoil anyone. I give loosely for activities and experiences and I tighten up for everything else. I notice the change in them if I loosen up too much in general. I can see how a situation like this could go downhill fast in households where kids get everything they ask for. As I push for frugality, they adopt this mindset as well. I try to push that money is scarce and therefore valuable.

A shocking example is our drastic change in T.V. viewing habits. We recently moved and we haven't yet setup cable. This has been probably 4 months now. Because I don't watch T.V. and nobody has bitched about the cable, I haven't bothered with it. We now have a decent sized flat screen T.V. which is less than a year old and does little more than collect dust. At the old house, this thing was on most of the day while the kids were home. We now only use it for the occiasional CD movie night. I think we will just stick with this.

Aside from my major principles, I give them a lot of room. I don't look for affection and I don't hover over them. I feel that kids are more resilient than we think and they are capable of doing a lot in finding their own way in life. Most impressive to me is that the kids moderate, mentor and take care of each other. This is my barometer to know they are on the right path. They are also caring and generous to me. They get concerned if they feel I'm smoking too much and they cook for me without me asking when the helper is out.

When attempting to find out what makes someone tick, I find it's best to shut up and get the other person to do the talking. I have found an old dating tactic which works well in general. Ask a simple question to get the other person talking to answer it. Ask another simple question. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes people don't feel like talking, but if the do, this is a great way to get them to open up.

I think I have had some situations forced on me that others may not have, but turned out positive. The number of kids in our household is such that I simply can't smother any of them. I have to give them space because I have no other choice. There have been no apples of my eye because I don't have that many eyes. Additionally, I spend a lot of time working on my U.S. based projects. My door is always open, but this further reduces the amount of time I have. As I mentioned before, the even distribution of the ages of kids means that the older kids can always take care of the younger kids. They are a tight-knit group and even if I have a problem understanding one of them, they understand each other.

My advice.

Don't overload on rules, just fall back on a short list derived from your main principles. Give her some space. You might even need to make sure you are doing something with your time rather than stressing out about your problem. Don't spoil her, saying no is a good thing. Try to get her to open up by asking simple questions about her day. Resist the urge to jump in with your wisdom or lecture. Just let her talk. Answer her questions if she has them.

One thing I have found in my own life is that I have always had to find my own path. Though I have found mentors along the way, they have rarely been family or friends. As parents, we need to understand that we just need to help prepare them for the journey and let things happen.

 

Eyes Opened Here,

Well, I had not realized, how many, of my Forum Friends would have been through all this. It is Gratifying to see how many have taken the time and effort, to post and give me sound advice and compassionate thoughts on this issue. I thank you all and I have sat and digested most of what has been said.

One thing is clear though It would appear that my Princess, is Quite normal. Seems, I may be the one, adding to the problem:

I will take heed of all that has been said, look beyond my own thoughts and try and look at life through her eyes for a while and see what happens


Many Thanks to you all.

Happy New Year.


JP


@ JB and Larry "H", I will answer your PM's later today

 

one more thing I would like to add is, Jack don't make the 14 year olds problem yours, this I remember when speaking to a social worker years ago, she said you have made your daughters problem yours, and she was right. the social worker said gain control again back up and give your daughter the problems, from 17 right up until she left home and got married she would tell me roughly what she was doing, and an accurate time when she would be coming home.

 

Brian, you are so right, in fact I had actually decided that only this morning, shortly after I made, my last post. It suddenly hit me, Hey! this is not My problem, but as I said, just now, I will suck it and see :D She has some asking to do, before School begins,


JP

 

20% There!

Seems she has done a little laundry, outside the compound, (Home) the family have told her, that she has never had it so good and she should rethink, her strategy, I said to her Lunch Time, I am always here but I will not, have a six gun pointed at my head, My Wife now Understands, that any man will not walk on eggshells for long. I think that our Princess is now well aware, that she is not the only person, life is unfair to, we all have to pull together and understand, each others fears and wishes.

It will be fairly long haul I expect. We explained to her that we will meet her half way. The other half has to come from her.

The funny side of it is, her room has never, been so View attachment 9856

Once again, Thank You all, for your advice and support, it has been Great.


JP

 

Here's some few tips;

1.) She has to clean her own bedroom even if we have a helper. And, when she's busy like a bee at school no time for the mess then i have it cleaned and i put a bunch of fresh flowers from the garden and leave a note, that JLO(jennifer lopez aka Me) came to make up her room.
2.) At 15 years of age, we sent her to my Gynecologist in Silliman(the doctor said she was the first youngest patient) to be aware of birth contraceptives, then we asked her to buy condom and explained us how to put them. At the age of 19 recently,(when she started going out for a date) we asked her to take pills. We told her we don't want more orphan in this world, And she agreed.
3.) Few months ago, she told me sorry for all her mistakes, she said that she knows we were right but most of the teens doesn't like to listen to the parents. She told me i was TOO annoying! And, the father was the expert who knows all! And all she wanted was a SPACE!
4.) This year October 2014 if she finish her BA/university(aged 19) We will give all the Space she wants! That means she will be out in our house, my dog and cat will move in to her bedroom permanently.:dnr:

 

It can be difficult when your children are teenagers. I had it easier than most for a few different reasons. One thing that I did learn though from my experiences and watching my friends and their experiences are that there is no one solution. Each parent and child have their own personality and what worked for me would not necessarily work for you. The general piece of advice that has already been given that I have to re-iterate you are in charge, and you are not alone. Your asawa is part of the team and if you do not both say the same thing it will not improve.

One of my most frustrating challenges was getting my daughter to get up on her own. Once she got her drivers license, I explained responsibility to her as I thought of it. If she could not get up on her own in a timely manner, she was not responsible enough to drive my car to school. She would then have to catch a ride with that friendly stranger and the big yellow SUV that slowly patrolled our street every morning. All she had to do was come knock on my door prior to 6:00a.m. each and every day. Amazingly she managed to get out of bed on her own and make it to school on time every day.

Remember to just try and make it through each day with grace and humility that are hard to maintain when raising a difficult teenager.