Understanding, a Filipino Teenager??

I was never that good at understanding my Children from my previous marriage, especially, when they were teenagers.
I always blamed myself.

My career, took me away such a lot, that I surely missed out on maybe, the really important years.
However, just now, I am my wits end, with, our 14 year old Daughter. I have been here in the PI now, 2 years constantly and envisaged a Happy family life would evolve.

After a few struggling years, No father, Just enough money to live on. Along comes this stranger, a Foreigner, who thought, he was doing the right things, marries Mama and things looked Rosy. Then 6 or so years later, I get slated.

To me, she has had, the best, of everything, We built a house, her own Room and Space but I just don't know what happened.
Ever since she started High School, she has got Lazy, Disrespectful to elders and has little affection at all, for her Mother or me (Unless she wants something)

Like most of the Locals, Communication is not too good (Even though, the English is very good)

I am not really wanting to wash my Dirty Laundry in Public but I could sure use, some helpful tips, on how to get things back on to an even keel here.(A problem shared, can be a problem halved)

If I chastise her, I am oppressive. If I don't, then I am letting her get away with things. (Damned if I do and Damned if I don't)
I was about to delete this and struggle on but then I sat and thought, Surely, I am not the only one with this problem.

For over 6 years she has been the apple of my eye, now, she hates me and always goes to her room when I am about. I thought that saying No, once in a while, would make her stop and think but I am afraid, I have now become, the big bad daddy Foreigner, that knows it all. I can't afford the stress of this so, if there is anyone else who has had this happen, please, give me a clue, where I went wrong.

It was not a good Christmas and I apologize, if the thread, is a downer but we all need help sometimes and right now, I could do with a little help from my friends.

 

Hi friend, no need to apologize yours is a common story with many parents that are bringing up a teen be it boy or girl, but I must admit I think girls are more demanding than boys .
My daughter now 53 years old has said sorry many times for the way she treated us between the age of 13 to 17.
Its a time you just have try to work though I don't think going soft is the answer as you must still get respect from her just be your self and be fair, as im sure you are .
your wife is there to support you, how about your church or school teacher , try to ask if their is any support groups here , don't be shy to say you have a problem as you will find many have the same problem .
my friend next door has a 14year old adopted daughter and has the exact same problem as you.
good luck im sure it will work its self out in time.
cheers

 

I have 2 girls, 15 and 22. The older one is married, in the states with a 5 year old, and is getting ready to start law school. The times she was "difficult" was when she was much younger. When she hit 14 or 15 no more problems (yeah, a baby at 17, but my grandbaby has NOT been a problem, rather, a motivation for my daughter to continue her education, and she has done just that!). Our daughter here is now 15 years and, knock on wood, has been delightful for 15 years and I don't see her changing. We go to church as a family, we eat meals as a family, but don't get me wrong....she is out with her friends ALOT!! She has always been honest with us and knows that things usually work out best that way. I wish I knew why some kids are disrespectful and ugly to their parents, but I have noticed if you look closely at their friends, sometimes you see a reflection of your child. Peer pressure is pretty strong. I have 4 stepsons, all grown, 2 of which were exremely disrespectful towards anyone in authority. One finally grew out of it, the other is in the military, that will either make him or break him, time will tell. Good-luck, hopefully you will see a change within a year or two.

 

I remember when I was that age (barely). I had two older siblings and my parents were sure than their sins would be repeated by me if they didn't hammer down hard on me. I finally had to sit them down and have a talk with them! Kids that age are learning to fly. They have figured out that their wings work and they are trying them out and they will be damned if anyone is going to hold them down. But, kids that age also don't know how to express themselves effectively. So, they tend to avoid anyone with the authority or ability to hold them down. (That would be YOU and Mom)

This is what my parents and I came up with. I had certain things I had to accomplish (chores, grades, etc). As long as I was doing those things and they never got a call from the police, I was free to live and "fly". Failure on my part would cost me dearly. Success on my part would open the door to even more freedoms as I showed that I took my responsibilites seriously and was a "good citizen".

This worked for me. I have seen it work for other kids, but I also seen kids that couldn't handle the freedom and screwed it up. Maturity, self-discipline, desire for independence are the traits that will make it work or not. Only you and your wife know your daughter. Whether this is good advice or not, you will have to be the judge of that.

Kids don't need a friend. They need a mentor, a fair authority, and they need to know they are loved no matter how much of a PIA they are today.

Good luck my friend!

 

Hi jack, i'm glad you took such courage to let us know your recent normal teenage drama. I had that few years ago, i almost wrote it here too but things came up in between. O--O

She started from 15 until 17 years old, it was called rebellious moment. We had big dramas, we did all the best for her such as; education, travels abroad,sports(diving,tennis,badminton,running,swimming)and personal tutors for 2 foreign languages.

In spite of everything what we really want was a little affection in return, but some of the teenagers in this generation are too cold. I guess it has something to do with the dumaguete environment, the local trend, the music,the movies they watch really plays a big role.

As a Mother, i strictly not allowed her to be friend with those spoiled brats in town, a good grades is mandatory and the rewards is a travel abroad.

When she was 17, she had local friends(2nd class to the rich kids in town) she started going out late night for bar hopping even weekdays. She learned to drink until wee hours, lost 2 Iphones, 2 motorcycle accident, and 1 car accident.O-|

I never rescued her during those troubles, i let her learned and solve the problems alone!! I guess i succeed!My husband was part of the process as well but i guess its really the Mother has to play like a military in the house. I showed my daughter that i'm not afraid of losing her, almost cracked my titan.45.

Now, she's out of that rebellious moment, and succeeding on her studies thinking for her bright future.

 

Some sound experience's here "Jack"
Judging by my own experience, girls have more of the hormone thing than the lads during teen years.
Stick with your principles and if you have the full backing of Azon I'm sure it will work out eventually.
regards JB

 

Consequences... a scary thought but life is a movie

I am not sure if the word "consequences" is in the Filipino language. It seems like there are very little consequences for any action here for anything. We read and hear about the politicians getting in trouble almost everyday, but rarely hear of any significant consequences. Even Napoles probably enjoyed a much better Christmas than most of here fellow hard working Filipino countrymen she ripped off. On the lower levels you see the "helmet law" issues here and the consequences for the people that break that law. In Manila and Cebu they are wearing helmets so maybe it is just an cultural thing in Dumaguete. Maybe being the city of gentle people leads to being the city of lawless spoiled people.
With my daughter (raised in the US) I always supported her in everything she wanted to do, even encouraging her when I knew that she was on the wrong path, but I never reduced or eliminated the consequences of her actions and decisions. I also let her learn and solve the problems of life, giving advice but never putting severe demands on her. Realizing this one time she asked why, my answer went like this: Well if I tell you "no" to one of your demands (demands are different from request for advice) you will just do your desired action the minute you get out of my influences as you are going to do it anyway, so I will agree with you with added advice that there may be consequences. By encouraging you I will help you get to the conclusion and consequences of your actions and decisions quickly. If you are wrong you will realize it quicker and reap the consequences quickly. When you are finished with the consequence you can make a better choice if you made the wrong choice , looking for a better solution, and I will support you in your search.. Sometimes the choices we see as parents as wrong make sense for the teenager, and really may not be as wrong as we see them as parents. I continued you will learn to think before you act rebelliously. This method kept the communication channel open between us. Although I would never claim she is perfect, there were never any big problems that ended up in her "permanent record". We all make mistakes in life, and most of the time if we feel the pain of those mistakes we take corrective action, unless we are spoiled and done't feel any consequences. However without the consequences of a little pain we keep doing the same stuff over and over I used a harsh and somewhat scary method of raising my daughter but it worked for me.

Remember Jack, you are looking at "snapshots" of your situation and they may not be pretty, but life is film, with a long script to it. Things do not always continue as you see them in a snap shot. Continue to act as a concerned loving parent, asking advice and you will do well in the movie version of your scenario.

 

Well said, Dave!!

 

hormones

Your experience is different than mine. I always noticed my girls seemed to be born with their hormones already in full swing (actually, it is true, that is why some baby girls have mini-periods!), and the were extremely cranky and moody until they went through puberty, between 10-13 in our case. Then they mellowed. The boys, on the other hand, were rambunctious, but not "moody" until their teen years and they hit puberty. Then all hell broke out with them! They got rebellious and disrespectful...(I am referring to two of 4 boys I was involved in rearing, the oldest one was already out of the house when I came onto the scene, but I understand he had a short-lived rebellious streak, too).
This proves nothing, except that you cannot compare your situation to mine or anybody elses. You just have to play with the hand you are dealt. Mistakes will be made, kids don't come with instructions. Don't beat yourself up, do the best you can.

A friend if mine once said about his 30 year old son, of whom he had much troubles: "I was in the living room yesterday and I heard a loud POP come from Robert's room. When I went to see what it was, I was relieved to find he had FINALLY pulled his head out of his A#*!!"
I have always thought that was funny, but so true, that about that age they finally figure it out!!

 

I was having trouble with my teenage son, and was talking with a friend who had 3 teenage girls. He was kind enough to point out that with boys, you only had to worry about one penis, with girls, you have to worry about ALL OF THEM!

I felt a little better after that.

Larry