Where's the humor on here?

Just now ·

 

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,
But she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms
that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double
handful.
Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to
use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,
"Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,
Called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it..
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs
and everything will be fine.
Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the
road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach
pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
and pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and
said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the
Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that b@st@rd who ran over Spot;
He never even slowed down."

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!""That's it!" She blows her top. "You b@st@rd! You waltz in here, flop your fat @ss down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t. It's started."

 

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. I just got out of prison..."

 

Farting ways can be tough. Whereever you guys are, it's Laughing Out Loud time to
spice up the day:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says : “Doctor I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your
office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent."

The doctor says,”I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The
next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,”she says,”I don’t know what the heck
you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says,”Good !!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on
your hearing.”

 

a policeman knocked on my door said " we've had complaints from people seeing your dog chase someone on a bike" I said " p*ss off, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

 

what's the difference between the government and the mafia?
one of them is organized.

 

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'sh*t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Just think! They won't be voting this year!!