Where's the humor on here?

This would be "Just MY Luck!"

 

You could always watch the Movie; "Nasi Kangkang"
So before you blame your poor judgement on the alcohol, be sure there isn't a lil Witchcraft involved first! Don't worry mate, "it's an Asian thing"... hehe

“Nasi Tangas” aka “Nasi Kangkang” (2014) – Malay Witchcraft/ Horror

 

An OLD one that did the email rounds many years ago, but still amusing to this day...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.


THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

Thinking of my Post with the Taser reminded me of a true story involving the ex-Bro In-law back in the 90's!

He was having problems with his Mazda 808 stalling each time he put it into drive, in park and neutral it ran fine, but as soon as he dropped it into drive *SNUFF*! So he asked me what I thought it was, having just experienced the same problem with an Isuzu Gemini, I found it was the Coil at fault, so suggested he change out the coil for a new one.

He rejected my suggestion arguing the engine ran fine, revved well, it was only when he put it into gear it stalled, again I told him that when under load the Coil gets hot and won't deliver good spark, so breaks down, he got frustrated and said; "WATCH THIS!"

We all stood around as he reached under the hood and yanked the coil lead from the Dizzy, then holding it in his right hand, he pointed the lead towards the body of the car and he reached in with his left hand, turned the ignition key, and stood there, 10 seconds later, still just standing there with the engine winding over, 20+ seconds later, he lets out a yelp and throws the coil lead and asks us all; "WTF WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU HELP ME????"

We were; "HUH?? WHY??"

Turned out he was being electrocuted and the current was running from the coil lead through him to his hand on the ignition key and he couldn't let go of either the coil lead or the ignition key! He NEVER lived that one down! hehe

A similar thing happened to me one day, the ex was having some sort of problem so I told her to pop the hood, I looked around for loose leads etc, then I asked her to start the engine and it still sounded like it had a slight miss at idle, I looked around and realised I had not checked the coil lead, I noticed a DANGER Sticker on the small electronic coil, which was much smaller than the old coils on my old Points Cars, I thought "Meh? Danger shmanger!" Then I leant my forehead against the front of the hood, and put my fingers on the lead to make sure it was pushed in, AND I SHYTE YOU NOT! I saw TWO BLUE LIGHTNING BOLTS SHOOT OUT OF MY EYES ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR and I jumped a good foot off of the ground! BELIEVE ME; WHEN you see a small sticker warning you of High Voltage in one of those small modern Coils YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

 

FYI the coil produce a short time voltage of 5 kV to 30 kV. The sign is there for a real warning. You already tasted the feeling.

And now a joke:

Two blondies meet them in the shopping mall. The first:" Yesterday at the blackout in the mall I was stuck one hour in the ascensor/lift." The other responds:" That was nothing. I was standing two hours on the escalator!"

 

@Wrye (So the OP doesn't go off-topic)

Is this your lil guy?