Where's the humor on here?

In the South in the summer time the bugs hit the windshield like rain. This couple, Marcel and Guinella, were riding along the highway one night and they happened to be right behind Lorraina Bobbit. Lorraina cut off her husbands you know what and threw it out the window. It struck Marcel's windshield squarely. Guinella turns and says, "Marcel, did you see the d**k on that bug?"

 

Not sure if this one has been posted before but here goes anyways...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced before the final priest, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring!!

 

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary by returning to their honeymoon hotel on the anniversary date. They arrived and the wife went to the hotel desk to check in while the husband brought the bags and sat down in a chair in the lobby. When the wife was done she turned to see her husband sitting in the chair with tears streaming down his cheeks. She went over and said, "Dear, what is wrong with you? We are here on our 50th anniversary at our honeymoon hotel and there you sit crying like a baby. You should be happy. Why are you crying?" He says, "Well darling, I was just remembering what happened so long ago. Do you remember that we were sitting on your parents front porch in the swing holding hands?" She says, "Yes, dear I remember." He "And do you remember that I reached over and stole a big kiss?" She "Yes, darling I remember fondly." He "And do you remember that your Daddy the Sheriff, stormed out the front door and pointed a shotgun at me and said, "You have compromised my daughter!!! You marry her now or I will put you in jail for 50 years!!!!!"
She "Yes dear I remember it well."

He .................................... "I woulda got out today."

 

Yesterday...

 

Got a new 10" tablet. After doing longer time some stuff on it I returned to my cellphone to check DI. Then I thought: "Did my cellphone shrinked? Because suddenly everything is so small on that one!"

 

This fellow started having migraine headaches. They got more regular and soon he was having a debilitating migraine headache every day. He went to the doctor and they said that the problem was caused by his testicles. He went to doctor after doctor for more opinions but always the same answer. Every Urologist he consulted was in agreement that the problem was in his testicles and the only solution to stop the migraines was castration. He couldn't believe it but got a couple more opinions that were the same and suffered for a year and finally gave in. He had the operation and was castrated. The good news was that the migraines were cured.
He was in a restaurant and saw a friend and the friend commented to him about how sad he looked and depressed. He told him the story about the migraines and the conclusion. His friend sympathized sincerely and said, "Listen, when I have the blues and feel really depressed, I have a tailor that I see and I have a new suit of clothes made from the skin out. It always makes me feel and look like a new man. Why don't you try it?" So the fellow goes to the tailor and asks for a nice new outfit from the skin out. The tailor tells him, "I have been doing this all my life and I pride myself on my eye for measurements. I don't use the tape, I just can size you by looking only." Fellow says, "OK go ahead and we'll see if you are right." Tailor says, "OK, shirt you wear a 16 32." Fellow says, "Yes that's right!" Tailor says, "Undershirt you wear 36." Fellow says, "That's right, you are good!" Tailor says, "OK, I say you wear a 34 undershort." Fellow says, "Sorry, but you are wrong, I wear a 32 undershort." Tailor says, "Sir, I am positive you need a 34 undershort. I know my business." Fellow says, "You may know, but I tell you on this you are wrong. I have worn a 32 undershort for years and I am positive!" Tailor says, "Sir, I am sorry to argue but I know for sure that you need a 34 undershort. If you wear a 32 it will pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches!!!!"

 

A man went to his GP and said "Doctor, I am very worried about my wife - I think she is deaf but I don't want to alarm her until I am sure". The doctor replied "Ok, let's check it out. Go home and stand 5 metres behind her and ask what you are having for dinner. If she does not reply then move nearer until she replies and then come and tell me the results". The man went home and did as the doctor said. His wife was at the kitchen sink (as a wife should be! lol) and so he stood 5m behind her and said in a medium volume "Sweetness, what are we having for dinner tonight". He heard no reply at all, so then moved to within 4m and tried again. Still no reply. He did this for 3m and 2m. No replies - UNTIL he stood 1m behind her and then she turned to him and replied "For the FIFTH time, I said CHICKEN CURRY!".

 

A man went to his GP and said "Doctor, I am very worried about my wife - I think she is deaf but I don't want to alarm her until I am sure". The doctor replied "Ok, let's check it out. Go home and stand 5 metres behind her and ask what you are having for dinner. If she does not reply then move nearer until she replies and then come and tell me the results". The man went home and did as the doctor said. His wife was at the kitchen sink (as a wife should be! lol) and so he stood 5m behind her and said in a medium volume "Sweetness, what are we having for dinner tonight". He heard no reply at all, so then moved to within 4m and tried again. Still no reply. He did this for 3m and 2m. No replies - UNTIL he stood 1m behind her and then she turned to him and replied "For the FIFTH time, I said CHICKEN CURRY!".

 

In the USA in there is a series of jokes called "Redneck" jokes. The term comes from the farmers in the South having a red neck from riding the tractor all day in the sun. Nowadays, anyone from the Rural South in the USA is called a Redneck. The Southern culture in the USA is very, very laid back. If you live in the countryside and your car goes out of service completely, you just leave it parked in the yard. Hence the joke, "If you have to mow the grass around more than two dead autos in your yard...... You might be a Redneck." Or, "If your new television is sitting on top of your old non working console television....you might be a Redneck."
I was thinking of some of the things I see here in the Philippines and thought that there might be a few things that automatically qualify us as "Foreigners." We could even have a "Top Ten Ways to Tell if You Are a Foreigner"
For example,
Number 10
if you think it is unusual to ride 7 people on a motorcycle......you might be a foreigner.
Number 9
You might be a foreigner
IF
"you have ever given a tip"
(NO OFFENSE, ONLY JOKING, but if it was a small tip you MIGHT be Australian, if it was a normal tip, you MIGHT be from UK or EU, if it was a ridiculous tip you MIGHT be American)
Number 8
You might be a foreigner
IF
"you think it unusual to see 10 people on a tricycle"
7.
"you wear a crash helmet while riding your motor"
6.
"you stand in a Que and wait your turn"
5.
"if you walk facing traffic in single file to the side of the road"
4.
"you think these brownouts are really blackouts and steps should be taken to cure them permanently"
3.
"you think the internet here is slow"
2.
"if you cannot get used to the phrase "No Stock"
The Number One thing that will identify you as a foreigner is
IF
"you have never thrown a temper tantrum at an establishment for lack of service, poor attitude. or total lack of empathy"

 

I REPRESENT THAT Remark! ROFLMAO!!