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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Brian Oinks

    Brian Oinks That's Mr. Pig to you Boy! :) Highly Rated Poster

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    Probably been posted already here, I remember getting this in my email around 8 years ago and remember laughing at some of the comments made, only to find out in time how many were to come true... :blackeye: :biggrin: lol

    You may be Married to a Filipina if...

    • your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
    • instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon.
    • most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
    • you are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
    • all her relatives think your name is Joe.
    • the instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
    • your house isn't really on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.
    • all the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty.
    • she eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup.
    • even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird.
    • you throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
    • all your kids have 4-5 middle names.
    • your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy".
    • you try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"
    • you are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about...
    • your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
    • your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
    • she sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on.
    • her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumanteh
    • the rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
    • on your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
    • the same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!
    • all her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
    • the first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages, green mangoes and bagoong.
    • You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM and CORNED BEEF that was on sale.
    • everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it .. as long as it was a "bargain" is all that matters.
    • she gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees.
    • your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.
    • all your postage bills instantly double.
    • you hire a yaya because your wife thinks you clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the yaya seems cheaper than a divorce.
    • the only "white meat" she likes is You, and that's if you're lucky...
    • her favorite sauce is called patis, Americans call it turpentine.
    • she actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football.
    • you were married 5 years before she explained to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"
    • she prefers bistek to beef steak.
    • her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
    • she can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that's her especialty!
    • her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws.
    • you still don't know what's the difference between manong and manok.
    • she and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot" and you still don't know what it means but they think it's pretty funny.
    • other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's
    • she goes to the movies just for the AC.
    • her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
    • before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilin" list which says "suggestion only".
    • your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
    • all the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
    • your in-law's first visit lasted 5 years.
    • her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
    • her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives.
    • her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines.
    • all your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are no knives.
    • she washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom.
    • she uses an umbrella even if its not raining.
    • her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out"
    • you are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 VCRs, 3 televisions.
    • she's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
    • she "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet.
    • there's always singing in your house, even when the radio's off.
    • your own mom, who was lukewarm about your marriage originally, now calls you long distance...to talk to your wife, not to you.
    • your family announces that in the unlikely event of a divorce between you and your wife, she will always have a place to stay,but you better find a new family.
    • your wife asks to get a job so that you will both have a little extra money, then thanks you for not complaining about having to drive her to work.
    • your wife has a contagious smile.
    • you both decide to divide your spare income, and you spend yours on a computer game or a power tool, only to learn that she spent her money buying clothes for you.
    • she might not have had a second pair of shoes growing up, but she's rapidly making up for lost time.
    • everything in your house is "name brand".
    • you have a Western Union "Preferred Customer" card. Really.
    • you complain when your wife tells you that longaniza is only for breakfast.
    • you learn to like rice, even plain.
    • you have a budget.
    • she may only tell you she loves you once in awhile. But, she SHOWS you that she loves you in everything she does and says.
    • you go to sleep each night knowing you're the luckiest man in the world.
    • AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: you are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1", then it's a bit easier).
    • BONUS ENCORE: it was your wife's idea for you to write this cause she thought it was funny...for a while though until the list got TOO LONG!!!
     
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  2. Plainspoken

    Plainspoken DI Forum Adept

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    Sorry for the TYPO. Should be "IF you have EVER thrown a temper tantrum", etc., Fililpinos are the epitome of patience.
     
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  3. Dr. Shiva

    Dr. Shiva DI Senior Member

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    You get quite well attuned to these, when you live in Switzerland.
    Examples: 6 month waiting for my internet access; or "sorry we don't need these papers" one month later "we now need those papers"; or attempting to buy beans and spinach in the local store resulted in "no stock"; or attempting to get packet wire resulted in a ride 5 km in a shopping mall because in all shops near my location it was sold out.
     
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  4. Notmyrealname

    Notmyrealname DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    I am very surprised .... they invented the extremely useful cuckoo clock. :smile:
     
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  5. Dr. Shiva

    Dr. Shiva DI Senior Member

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    But you can not just live from watches, clocks, cheese and chocolate.:wacky::whistling::smile:
    BTW: In the Philippines, if a tricycle gets broken down just catch the next one. In Switzerland if the train gets broken down you can be sure to get stuck up to 2 hours if not more.:wideyed:
     
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  6. Notmyrealname

    Notmyrealname DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    You can live off the protein and fats within cheese and chocolate and then use the clocks/watches to tell when the pub is open and then you can go there to get the essential nutrients. There is a solution to everything. :smile:
     
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  7. Notmyrealname

    Notmyrealname DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time....

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

    Mike says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."B*gger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.........then I was petrified.

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
     
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  8. Plainspoken

    Plainspoken DI Forum Adept

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    Fellow calls his wife from a bar, "Pack your bag I just won the LOTTO!!" Wife says, "where we going?" Fellow says, "I don't care where you go, just be gone when I get there!"

    Penguin is driving along the road when he hears a squealing noise from the right front wheel of his car. He sees a garage and pulls off to have it checked. The mechanic goes to work on the wheel and the penguin notices an ice cream stand across the road. He goes over and gets a vanilla cone. As penguins have difficulty with ice cream since they have no lips, he gets ice cream all over his face. He goes back across the road and walks toward his car. The mechanic looks up across the hood(bonnet) and says to the penguin, "Looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, it's just ice cream."
     
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  9. Plainspoken

    Plainspoken DI Forum Adept

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    Couple of old Rodney Dangerfield one liners

    My wife kisses the dog on the lips and won't drink out of my glass.
    I bought a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
     
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  10. Dr. Shiva

    Dr. Shiva DI Senior Member

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    Police to a tramway driver: "Please pull over to the right side for inspection."

    At a LTO checkpoint. The LTO guy to the car driver: "Your OR please."
    The driver gives him the OR.
    The LTO guy: "Now your CR please."
    The driver leaves his car, goes behind to the car trunk, opens the trunk and says: "Here is the CR" while pointing on a toilet and a lavabo.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
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