Where's the humor on here?

A Yorkshire-man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being the kind hearted generous Yorkshire-man that he is, he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So he walked past it aggen...

Eeeee it fair brings a tear ter y'eye dunnit?

 

A guy walking through the park at night hears a lady's voice in the bushes; "Fancy a good time, only 50 pesos Sir?"

"Why not?" he thinks.

He is just about to grope the lady when a police officer shines his torch on them; "What's going on?" asked the policeman!!

"Do you mind" replied the man, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"

"Sorry" said the policeman; "didn't realise it was your wife!"

"Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch!" responded the husband!

 

A Cebu-Pacific flight was coming into Cebu after a trip from Singapore and Captain Miguel opened the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen; this is your Captain speaking, we are now making our final approach into Cebu, we hope you've enjoyed flying with Cebu-Pacific Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey," at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off.

He turned to the co-pilot and said "well Juan; what plans do you have for the rest of the day?"

Juan replied; "My wife will be waiting for me at the hotel Miguel, and she's got seats booked for the Manny Pacquiao fight in front of a big flat screen, what plans do you have?"

The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile, are quite enjoying this change of announcement from the norm.

The captain continued; "As you know; my Divorce was finalised last week, so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room, then I am thinking that after, I'll call that pretty new young Stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink or two, then take her back to my room, and give her a d*mn good work out!"

At that moment; the passengers cheered loudly, and in the upper deck, Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident, and that she had to get downstairs and let the Captain know. She ran up the aisle towards the Cockpit and tripped headlong over an old lady's handbag which was poking out into the aisle.

The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young Stewardess and said; "There's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first."

 

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

A young girl in her late teens wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £100?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"It will teach her a lesson about checking first" he responded.

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £100 and handed it to her along with a £20 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

 

And I be like Superman

 

Best Cat Litter Box Cleaning Tip EVER!

 

Reminds me of this from facebook:
After the name ISILON HAPILON
became notorious, a bank cancelled
its promo slogan:
EASY LOAN, HAPPY LOAN!!!