Where's the humor on here?

I have a good and a bad news for you.

The bad news are that there are no good news.

The good news are that there are no bad news.

 

Sorry but you should apologize for not putting apologize in ALL CAPS

I apologize for that remark, you have been vindicated by Dr. Shiva

 

Friend of mine is a big rice farmer in the South. All those big farms have families living in houses on the "place". They work for the farmer all year and in the Deep South the farmer is looked to to take care of all needs, such as medical, legal problems, subsistence, etc. Yes it still is that way in places. My friend had a husband and wife on his place that had been there all their lives, never really traveled more than 20 miles from home. Totally dependent on Mr. Jack's farm. Husband's name was Willy and he had several kids and almost every spring he would come to Mr. Jack and say, "Mr. Jack, I got to have some money for the Dr. 'cause my wife is going to have a baby." Jack would congratulate Willy and call the Dr. and have all things taken care of. This went on for many years. Willy had 9 kids and he came in the spring again, hat in hand, and said, "Mr. Jack, I got to have some help 'cause my wife, she's going to have another baby." Jack lightly scolded him and said, "Willy you need to stop having these babies every year, 'cause 10 kids is going to be enough." Willy was very apologetic and said, "I know Mr. Jack. I know. I done promised myself and told the wife, 'No more babies'. If she has another baby I swear I'm going to hang myself." Jack said, "Ok Willy I'm going to hold you to your word." The very next spring, here came Willy to Jack. "Mr. Jack I got to have some help 'cause my wife is going to have another baby." Jack raised his voice and said, "Willy, you told me last year if she had another baby you were going to hang yourself!!" Willy said, "Yes sir, Mr. Jack I did tell you that and I didn't forget it. But what happened was, I thought to myself, Willy you promised Mr. Jack and now you know what you got to do. So, I went out to the big barn and I took a rope. I went and climbed way up in the loft. I tied the rope on a beam and I tied the other end around my neck. I stood at the edge of the window and I was just fixing to jump. Then all of a sudden I thought to myself, "Willy, you might be hanging a innocent man."

 

They are like the ones my kid used to tell me when he was 6 years old. My most memorable one was: Why can't ants climb up an elephant's leg? Whenever they try, they get about half way off then get "pissed off" and quit.

 

If Botox will make a camel attractive, I need to get some.

 

I wonder if there have been any scandals like in other beauty contests where the judges asked for sexual favors from contestants.

 

Guy from USA living in Afghanistan needed transportation but nothing was available but camels. He found a used camel dealer and picked out a camel and bought him. Rode the camel home, all is well. Next day the camel was being very very stubborn about continuing to walk as the guy rode him. He drags the camel back to the dealer and says, "Yesterday everything was ok, but since this morning he just doesn't want to go when I say go." Camel dealer says, "Did you start him this morning?", Guy, "Start him? How do you do that?" Camel dealer shakes his head walks to the saddle bags and takes out two bricks. He says, "Come." He takes the guy to the back of the camel and he says, "You see those two balls hanging there?" Guy says, "Yea.". Camel dealer says, "Every morning you've got to walk back here and take these two bricks, one in each hand, and smack them SMARTLY together on those two balls and your camel is started." Guy exclaims, "My God man, doesn't that hurt?" Camel dealer, "Not unless you catch your fingers between the bricks."