Where's the humor on here?

What's the best way to burn 1000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven

 

A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot! What will he have done!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it!" Thinks: 'Maybe he is not such an idiot as we all thought'

So what’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

 

“Have you got anything to drink?
“Yes, Water.”
“I meant something harder?”
“Sure, ice.”
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Internet discussion:
user sup1: HEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
user zxt45: Please press CapsLock.
user sup1: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
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Sniper to his wife: "I missed you today".
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That awkward moment: Making eye contact while eating a banana.
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Police officer approaches a woman on the shore and informs her it’s forbidden to bathe there. The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me change into my bikini and smother myself in tanning oil? The police officer shrugs, “Well that's not forbidden.”
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At a job interview:
“So, what are your strengths?”
“I prefer to take matters in my own hands.”
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
“NO, I will contact you.”
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Waiter: “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?”
“I don’t really care. I’m colourblind.”
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Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
Husband: “With a minute's silence.”
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I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
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I once asked a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“
She looked at me briefly and replied "Of course not!”
“Pity,” I said, “I could really use the money.”
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Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you drink? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you have late nights out? No.
Do you have affairs with beautiful hot women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

 

Social Distance, What Would You Do?

 

This video is NOT HUMORIST or FUNNY! I thought very hard on whether or not to send you a , for this one. I think it would be better in the Covid 19 thread. I like most of your posts here. Thanks and please keep the JOKES coming.

 

I thought the video funny, but if it is in the wrong forum, please have it moved.
Poop away.