Where's the humor on here?

The foul-mouthed parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music ... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

Tagam lagi!! :D

 

A Beautiful Filipino Love Story

Maria, a beautiful Filipina fell in love with Edong. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her Tatay (dad).

Her Tatay told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Nanay (mom) does not know this, but Edong is your half-brother" .

So Maria forgot about her Edong, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.

But after telling Tatay again, he said, "Maria, anak ko (my child), there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Edong are your half-brothers. "

Maria had no choice but to go to her Nanay. Nanay already knew and said "Anak ko, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Edong, because you are not related to your Tatay."

 

Priceless!!!!!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he slowly realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you!! I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old." The salesman, shaking his head, said "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $40
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion .... Priceless

 

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish ...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

 

A better way of begging on the street..

YouTube - Skeleton Gig

 

Wayne wanted desperately to have s_x with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was married. One day Wayne got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have s_x with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Wayne said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband, so she called him and explained the situation. Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The b@st@rd had all quarters!"

 

White Kid

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

Blonde joke

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.

"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

 

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."