Where's the humor on here?

INSIDE ENGLAND TODAY

This is a time for national pride and this week we are giving ourselves a pat on the back, by depicting a day in the life of an Englishman.

He rises in the morning and has a typical English breakfast of toast and marmalade (invented by Mrs Keiller of Dundee). He slips on his national costume, a soiled raincoat (patented by Charles Macintosh, a Glasgow chemist) and walks over the Kirkcaldy linoleum in his hall out into an English lane (surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr).

He climbs aboard an English bus (which runs on pneumatic tyres invented by John Dunlop of Dreghorn), and on the way to the station he lights an English cigarette (first manufactured by Robert Gloag of Perth).

The English train which takes him up to Town works on a principle devised by James Watt of Greenock.

At the office he opens the mail (the adhesive stamp was invented by Chalmers of Dundee) answers the telephone (invented by Alexander Graham Bell even answers his boss (sure to be another Scot).

In the evening, his wife is preparing his national dish - the roast beef of Old England (Buchan beef). He feels very patriotic, and whistle "Ye Mariners of England" (by Thomas Campbell of Glasgow) for roast beef is one of the revered institutions (like the Crown which has rested on a Scottish head since 1603).

After dinner there follows a scene of typical English domestic bliss. Young Albert goes off to the Boys Brigade (founded by Sir William Smith in Glasgow). Young Ted goes out to the Scouts (the present Chief Scout is Sir Hector McLean of Duart) while little Ethel plays on her bicycle (invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, a Dumfriesshire blacksmith). Mum is in the kitchen steeping the wash in bleach (a Scottish invention) while Dad watches Television (invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh).

After the kids come home Dad supervises the homework. The maths jotters will be full of logarithms (invented by John Napier of Edinburgh). The English course is stuffed with books like "Treasure Island" (Robert Louis Stevenson) and Robinson Crusoe (based on the life of Alexander Selkirk of Largo). He may even discover that the Flower of English Chivalry, King Arthur, was a Scotsman, as were all his knights, and the English history book will dwell on political economy (fathered by Adam Smith of Glasgow).

To get away from the Scots, Dad will pick up the Bible, but the first name is that of a Scot (James VI, who authorised the translation).

If he takes to drink, we supply the best in the world. If he tries to put his head in the oven , coal gas was discovered by William Murdoch of Ayrshire. So he takes a rifle and tries to blow his brains out (the breech loading was invented by a Scot).

Anyway, if he survives they’ll put him on a table and pump him full of penicillin (discovered by Sir Andrew Fleming of Darvel) give him an anaesthetic (by courtesy of Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate) and perform an operation (antiseptic surgery was pioneered at Glasgow Infirmary).

The first thing he would hear on awakening would be the voice of the Scottish surgeon telling him he was as safe as the Bank of England (founded by William Paterson of Dumfries).

His only hope is that he would receive a few pints of good Scots blood and thus claim kinship with the race, or else emigrate and join them.

 

A Scottish Farmer was looking out his window this particular morning and at the foot of his Hillside farm runs a stream and he thinks he can see someone down there, so he straightens up his Kilt get his crook and has a wander down there, when he gets a little closer he sees one of these backpacker types, trying to balance his pack with one hand and trying to drink water with the other one and not making a very good job of it.

He is still quite far off when he shouts at the man saying; Hoots Mon! dinnae drink the wattur it's foo O' Hoss p*ss and Coo's sh*t, come up ti the Hoose an A' kin foo yer canteen wi clean stuff, at that the mans stands up and says; Sorry Sir I am from Cornwall in England and I do not understand the Scottish vernacular, can you please speak to me using the Queens English and also a little more slowly. The farmer replies in his best high fooluting English; I'm so Dreadfully Sorry, Cup,,,Both,,,Hands,,,Together,,,You will,,,Spill,,,Less,,,that,,,Way