Where's the humor on here?

Blonde Christmas Joke

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the blonde lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

 

Voted Best Short Joke Of 2008

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

 

RE: EU English, "Wel al be speking German! Thanks for the big laughter you gave me this morning! A great way to start the day!

 

Donkey Raffle

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
$100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he

drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey

died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's

dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened

with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a

piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government as a top adviser on the bailout Plan!

 

Husband Down

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!

 

The barrel

A man who was new to Alaska’s bush went into the bar. Ordering a beer he asked the bartender if there were any women around. The bartender replied “ant no women in town.” But there’s a barrel with a hole in it in the back room. The man goes in the back room and tries it out. He returns to the bar with a big smile saying to the bartender “That was grate. How often can I use the barrel?” The bartender seas any time you want to except for Saturdays. The man asked why not Saturdays? Because that’s your day to be in the barrel seas the bartender

 

Old Sam

A man who was new to Alaska’s bush went into the bar. Ordering a beer he asked the bartender if there were any women around. The bartender replied “ant no women in town ant ever been, wont ever be any. But there’s old Sam in the corner” Old Sam being the Dirty hairy town drunk. The man said with disgust NO I’m not into that crap drank his beer and went back out to the bush.
Three months later the man came back to town went to the bar and ordered a beer. Looking around he asked the bartender ware are the women? The bartender replied” like I said ant no women in town ant ever been, wont ever be any. But there’s old Sam in the corner” The man said with disgust NO I’m not into that crap drank his beer and went back out to the bush.
Six months later the man came back to town went to the bar and ordered a beer. Looking around he asked the bartender ware are the women? The bartender replied” like I said ant no women in town ant ever been, wont ever be any. But there’s old Sam in the corner so quit asking” It has been a long time for the man so he quietly asked the bartender if he had old Sam who all would have to know?
The bartender replied well there’s me, you, those two big men over there at the table and old Sam. The man asked why the two men at the table needed to know? The bartender seas “Old Sam don’t go for that crap ether”

 

Having a get-together

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre
spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across
another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor
and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to
warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city
slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he
responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can
handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and
asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The
man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

 

Bill Clinton and the Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope "How was your night in Hell?""Very educational." responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.""Sorry," said Clinton, "You should have been there yesterday."

 

Four gents go out

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."