Where's the humor on here?

STOLEN CAR

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

An elderly couple are pulled over by the state police. The officer asked for the man’s driver’s license. The wife says “What did he say?” To which he replies, “He says he wants to see my license.” After receiving the license the officer says, “I see you are from Texas.” Again the wife says “What did he say?” To which he replies, “He says he sees we are from Texas.” The officer says, “Worst piece of @ss I ever got was in Texas.” Again the wife says “What did he say?” To which he replies, “He says he thinks he knows you.”:D

 

a man took his cat to the vet as it had a case of constipation , he was given a large tablet and was told to give half to his cat.he forgot and gave all the tablet in one dose , next he told the vet , and was asked , did the tablet work? the man answer was, my cat has 2 cats digging holes 2 cats covering the holes and 2 cats looking for new ground.....

 

funny.......:D :D

Jerry.

 

a drunk stumbled out of a hotel and vomited on top of the hotel cat, he looked down and said sh*t I DONT REMEMBER EATING THAT

 

The Girls Decided

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

 

This story is about cheap Charlie in Angeles City. Cheap Charlie yells stop to the trike driver, tells him wait here. He runs into a hole in the wall bar. Poor cheap Charlie almost didn't make it to the CR. As soon as Cheap Charlie sits down he feels a sharp pinch on his BUTT. Ouch !! Dam toilet seat is cracked. OH MAN !! No toilet paper !!! To make things even worse poor Cheap Charlie has to get out of the CR real fast cause a cockroach is biting his ankle. Cheap Charlie looks into his wallet and finds two 5 peso notes and a wad 500 peso notes. So he says no way i'm using my 500 peso notes cause thats my barfine and beer money. After Cheap Charlie uses the two 5 peso notes, he goes to the sink to wash them and discovers no running water. Cheap Charlie carefully folds them and puts it in his pocket. After entering the trike cycle he notices the trike driver holding his nose and cussing in tagalog to himself. The trike driver drives super fast to get him to his destination. Cheap Charlie gets out and says, Youre the best trike driver in all of Angeles City ! I know the trip is 5 peso, but I'm tipping you an extra 5 pesos. Trike driver could not believe Cheap Charlie was going to give him a tip cause Cheap Charlie always tries to haggle the 5 peso trip down 3 pesos. Cheap Charlie hands him the two 5 peso notes that he used in the CR and runs into the bar. Trike driver is disgusted, then notices stains in his brand new seat. Trike driver yells YOU SOB!! then tries to run after him, but the security guard stops him at the door. HA ! HA ! HA ! Then a bargirl tells Cheap Charlie, there is a trike driver pissed off outside waiting for you. Cheap Charlie says, I don't know why I gave him a good tip of 10 pesos. Cheap Charlie asks, by the way how much is a barfine/ Bargirl says 1,200 peso Sir. Cheap Charlie says, I'll give 800 peso meet me at Swagman Hotel room 220. bargirls says ok see yah. The cheap Charlie sneaks out the back door to avoid the trike driver. After Cheap Charlie does BOOM BOOM He tells the bargirl, Sorry I only have 500 pesos. The bargirls pissed. Then the bargirl makes a call on her cell phone. Five minutes later there is a knock at Cheap Charlies door. The bargirl opens the door and there is the pissed off trike driver standing there with a baseball bat. The bargirl says to Cheap Charlie, Oh let me introduce you to my husband. We have a problem with collection tonight honey. Cheap Charlies face turns white as a ghost. GUYS NEED I SAY MORE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO POOR CHEAP CHARLIE HA ! HA HA !

 

Old Timers

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went. "His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees it up; takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

 

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.

I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive:D

 

Easy to get a girl work ...

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'