Where's the humor on here?

The Revenue services decided to check the accounts of a hospital and sent a young and keen tax inspector to do an audit. He was anxious to impress his boss and kept looking for anything that he could fault.
"What do you do with all the left over pieces of bandage?" he asked.
The doctor replied "we save all of them, and then send them back to the manufacturer. Once a year they send us a complete free box".
"Ok" said the tax inspector. "How about all the spare plasters and left-over surgical tape?"
"We save them too" said the doc, "send them back to the manufacturer and every year they send us a complete new box".
Feeling desperate, the tax inspector asked "what do you do with all the foreskins left over from the circumcision operations?"
"We also save them" said the doc, "and when we have enough we send them to the Revenue services. Once a year they send us a complete dick".

 

Joke: Young lady marrying old man


A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

 

Joke: Emotional needs


A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says “I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
“WHAT!?” says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth 200 dollars each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says “You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, “I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier.”
The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now.” The wife`s face goes blank. “Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, “You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

 

Presidents Clinton and Putin Condom Order

Russian President Putin called President Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,'
replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the
President of Freecondoms.com. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000
condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Freecondoms.com.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."

 

Airplane about to crash

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

 

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar...

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well that's basically all ...


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Yeah...missed it by " that much"

 

" It’s going to be a cold winter !?!?.."

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

 

Life.........

Life isn't about learning to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain......

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all :D

 

An atheist in the woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'