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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. expatron

    expatron DI Forum Patron

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    Sorry KDF, I missed it somehow.
     
  2. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ ★ Moderator ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Arlene: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    The pharmacist fainted.
     
  3. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    They Get better!

    :D:D:D They get better and better!
    Shame I can never remeber the punch Lines:o
     
  4. Rhoody

    Rhoody DI Forum Luminary

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    don't you love spell-check or huge fingers trying to deal with those tiny keyboard on a phone ?

    [​IMG]

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. Malfeis

    Malfeis DI Member

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    A few laughs are better than any medicine!

    You young people go ahead and laugh you too will
    be there before you know it.


    Garage Door

    The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly
    area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
    ________________________________________

    An elderly gentleman....
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor
    was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing
    is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
    ________________________________________


    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
    ________________________________________


    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
    ________________________________________


    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
    ________________________________________

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure..'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the
    kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'
    ________________________________________


    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'
    ________________________________________


    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
    ________________________________________


    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty..'
    ________________________________________


    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
    ________________________________________


    One more. . ..!
    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


    Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!
     
  6. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ ★ Moderator ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    Making a baby. This is hilarious!

    :smile:
    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long..'
    Mrs. Smith fainted!
     
  7. aussieboy

    aussieboy DI Junior Member

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    Indian Cab Driver

    A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.
    The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
    "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
    "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

    "Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

    "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
     
  8. Stilo

    Stilo DI Junior Member

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    Brilliant, Malfeis, still laughing ,Stilo



    Why be arkward when for a little more effort you can be impossible.
     
  9. aussieboy

    aussieboy DI Junior Member

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    Never Assume

    His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

    Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN, he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ... You're NOT my flight instructor?'

    Life is short. Drink the good wine first....
     
  10. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ ★ Moderator ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    Man in a bar joke :smile:

    [​IMG]

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
    places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
    and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
    one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
    into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
    as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
    beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
    the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
    pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
    and they keep coming!
    [​IMG][​IMG]
    The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
    your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
    not a million ducks.'
    [​IMG]
    'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
    'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
     
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