Where's the humor on here?

Tom_A, if you don't have any luck in Dumaguete, my ex-wife is still in Makati. If you lots of money, she will be more than happy to help you spend that on her.

 

A bargain with God

1. One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.

Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”

“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”

“How much”, asked Adam.

“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

The rest is history.

 

Shiny Shoes!

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers!, " Yes, Giorgio, I do , but how do you know that.

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance.

Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this true,"

Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says, "Thank God... thought I had a CRACK in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes

 

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes
later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A
few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

The Royal Wedding

Hi I really did enjoy watching that royal wedding on TV.
It was soo great, the dresses the gowns the nice ladies hats. and so on But most of all I enjoyed watching the antics up on the Royal balcony---:Wonder what's really went on up there?

 

No thank you, she looks like she feel out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, plus she told me it wasn't the money that she didn't get enough of, but that's between you and her, plus I don't think she should be attaching needle to your name.

 

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks him if he wants a drink, Descartes replies "I think not" and disappears...

 

More schocking news from the US.

As if the news has been schocking in the last days. Osama Bin Laden, Ghaddafi, etc.
But now-- read this:: Most respected and famous American ever renounces his US Citizenship. I read it in Action Comics #900.
Yes, it's the greatest American ever. (Born an alien, but anywhy)

 

?????????????????

:p You mean he has moved to Dumaguete, Now has a PI passport.

 

Yes, he is in DGTE now. Under the alias: Kent Clarc