Where's the humor on here?

Some blonds ain't dumb

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her
that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about
what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his
behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as people think they are.

 

My wifes sister walked in on me masturbating.

I wish she would stay in her own room when she wants to do that. :p

 

A guy goes in to a pub and is shocked to see his best friend there with two black eyes and a freshly broken nose. "Wow" the guy exclaimed, "what happened to you ?"
"I had a mis-understanding with the wife" his pal replied.
"Go on, explain" he said.
"Well" said his friend, "I was in bed reading my book, and the wife decided to get a bit adventurous. She said to me, 'turn off the bedside light and I'll take it up the butt.' I guess I should have let the light bulb cool down first."

 

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and colour
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel.

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never
spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened."

 

A Japanese tourist in New York went into a bank to change his Yen into Dollars. He handed the teller 100,000 Yen and the teller gave him 1,000 dollars. The tourist pocketed the money and left the bank. The next week, the tourist returns to the bank and hands the same teller 100,000 Yen. The teller counts it and hands the tourist 950 dollars. The tourist counts the money and asks "Last week one thousand dollar. This week 950"

The teller replies "Fluctuations".

The tourist gets incensed, takes his money and storms out of the bank yelling "well, fluck you melicans, too"

 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite Crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked Him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her In English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic Music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to the States from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

The old guy was in the last moments of his life and his family was by his bed. He had four sons, three of them were big strapping muscled lads and one was a skinny runt. He turned his head to his wife and said "Martha, tell me honestly, is the weedy one really my son ?" "Yes" she said "he is definitely yours" and with that the old boy smiled, sighed and left this world. As they were leaving the room the priest said to Martha "he died happy in the knowledge that the boy really is his son". "I know" said Martha, "thank God he didn't ask about the other three".

 

The other day i approached an attractive younger Filipina at Robinson Mall.

I said "Excuse me, Miss, but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The girl, feeling a bit of compassion for me as a confused old fellow, said,
"Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

I replied, "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a chick with a body like yours,
she appears, as-if out of nowhere...."

 

The only kitchen appliance I saw on a German site was a large, industrial strength microwave oven - it seats 12.