Where's the humor on here?

Never again will I use my Sean Connery accent when asking my gf to sit on my face .:D

 

As long as You can still hear the music when she does..........:p

 

Good man, Paddy!

Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £5OO?" Paddy replies "I will. On 3 conditions. 1st. I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd. My family must never know. 3rd... I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!" :D

 

A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging
doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. “Yes?”

She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, “Why yes, yes, I sure am.”

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”

 

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here.'

 

Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what i had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

4th Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?' And she said. "Wear your sweater".

 

Would have been a 3some if asawa would have said "Wear your raincoat".......

 

Advice please: -

Hi all,
really need your advice for serious problem!
I suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating, The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot... I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep due to working all hours.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the garage by my motorbike, when she came home she got out of someones car, she was buttoning up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched next to the bike I noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

You can weld one crack and replace the other. You decide which :D

 

Australia is the greatest Country on earth, according to the latest World Wide poll, among recent Tourists to that fine Country.

In every case, they answered this way:

" Australia is the greatest country I have ever visited, the people there are warm, friendly, intelligent, trustworthy, generous, incredibly colourful, and very hospitable, BUT,................................. be very, very, wary of the white ones"

:D:D:D:D

Regards, Paul.