Where's the humor on here?

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

 

Yuck!!!:DO-|

 

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.



Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.



Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.



Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.



Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.



War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.



Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.



Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.



Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.



Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.



Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...



"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

The best one!!!!

 

Around the Phils its best to check for adam's apple......before the squirrel gets up the leg........:D

 

Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-b*tch, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

Don't Tase Me Bro......:D

REMIX: "Can't Tase This" UF Student Tasered - YouTube

 

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Entry to Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the
gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "before I can
let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No
problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife
was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for
this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the
entire apartment. But, d*mn it, I couldn't find him!

Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell
to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes
that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more
so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could
grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right
after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok,
sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this.
I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my
fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden
this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing
and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees
and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right
away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and
in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all
things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills
me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
"Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",
and lets the man enter.

A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the
day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the
man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

 

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