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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute."Do you know who the father is?"



    Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
     
    Charlie, Jun 7, 2012
    #1641
  2. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Broadside, Jun 7, 2012
    #1642
  3. KTM

    KTM DI Senior Member

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    On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
     
    KTM, Jun 8, 2012
    #1643
  4. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Murphy raised his beer and said "here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife".
    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

    He went home and proudly told his wife Mary, "I won the prize at the pub for the best toast of the night".
    "Did you now" she said, "and what was your toast?"
    Murphy thought quickly and said "here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife".
    "Oh, that is so nice" said Mary, beaming with pride.

    The next day, Mary ran in to one of Murphys' drinking buddies on the street. He chuckled to himself and said "Murphy won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you".

    Mary said " Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I even had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep." :D
     
    Broadside, Jun 8, 2012
    #1644
  5. Rhoody

    Rhoody DI Forum Luminary

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    nothing new, and sadly not funny...

    [​IMG]​
     
    Rhoody, Jun 9, 2012
    #1645
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Roy's Winky.....

    Roy decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to
    confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Roy that she suffered
    a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

    He stated it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Roy felt this was also
    the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
    Roy looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.My winky is the same
    size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'
    She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant - size winky.'

    Sandy and Roy got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Roy
    whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

    As Sandy put her hands in Roy's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!


    Roy ran after her to find out what was wrong.

    She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

    'Yes,' he said, 'it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'
     
    Charlie, Jun 10, 2012
    #1646
  7. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
    back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not
    paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. I was quite
    embarrassed and whispered that I had just recently been circumcised and it
    was quite itchy.
    The teacher told me to go down to the principal's office. I was to
    telephone my mother and ask her what I should do about it. I did it and
    returned to my class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
    room She went back to investigate only to find me sitting at my desk with
    my penis hanging out.
    'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' I said, 'And
    she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me
    up from school.'

    Gee whiz, I was only 14 then, what can I say. How embarrassing for Mom to have to pick me up at school again. I just hate it when that happens.
    Sometimes it still itches.
    Maybe the pedicab drivers have the same issue ?
     
    Charlie, Jun 11, 2012
    #1647
  8. PrensBana

    PrensBana DI Member

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    The Mensa Invitational is a contest that asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
    changing just one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are the 2005 winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    2.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *sshole.

    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
    The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
    And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    __________________
     
    PrensBana, Jun 13, 2012
    #1648
  9. Flyingifr

    Flyingifr DI New Member

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    This is about post #1638:

    The character translated as "f*ck" in the Chinese also means "Fresh". Google Translate DOES have its limitations, you know. At a restaurant here in Nanjing they serve a dish on their English menu listed as "Raped Chicken". The waiter turned a dozen shades of red when I explained to him what "raped" meant. The other meaning of the same Chinese character is "Shredded".
     
    Flyingifr, Jun 14, 2012
    #1649
  10. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Scottish & Irish wit.

    Angus says to Kirk: "Close your curtains the next time you be shagging your
    wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at ya yesterday lad."

    Angus says: "Wall the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even
    home yesterday."

    ******************************


    Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
    Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

    Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

    *********************************************


    Angus goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

    Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me lad".

    Angus says, "I aven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


    *********************************


    Angus was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
    avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers
    about all over the road. Angus tells the cop about all the trees in the
    road.
    Cop says "For gods sake Angus, that's your air freshener swinging
    about ya know !"

    ************************************


    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife
    says n "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put
    in the paper?" his wife asks.

    "Here boy" he replies.

    ********************************

    Angus's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

    "Hanging meself" Angus replies.

    "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

    "I know" says Angus "but I couldn't a no breathe".


    **************************


    An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
    backwards off their boats?"

    To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in
    the bloody boat."


    ***********************


    Graham told McDougal that his wife was driving him to drink. McDougal thinks
    he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


    **************************


    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
    announced, 'Not guilty.'

    'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

    *************************

    Mrs. MacGregor shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear be spittin' in the
    vase on the mantle piece?'

    'No, not I' said himself, 'but I be gettin' a we bit closer all the time.'

    **************************


    Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
    the morning. I can't break her out of it."

    Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' at that time?"

    Finnegan: "Waitin' for me to come home."
     
    Charlie, Jun 14, 2012
    #1650
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