Where's the humor on here?

Bradford in UK is such a crap hole that the recent riots there caused $5 million dollars worth of improvements. :D

 

I'm sexy, and you know it!

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Women will often use an argument that having a baby is far more painful for women than than being kicked in the nuts is for men.

Their opinion does not stand up to scrutiny.

One year after giving birth a woman will often say " I feel I'd like another baby".

You never hear a guy say " I feel I'd like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed. :p

 

He left home at about 8.30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out of the door, he answered his wifes "what time will you be home" question with "probably about 1.30. I'll have lunch at the club".

1.30 came and went. 3.00 passed, 6.15 and still not home. Finally at about 7.30 he rolled in to the driveway, put his clubs in the garage, presents his wife with a pizza and begins his apologies.

"We finished our game at about 11.30, had lunch in the club and then I started the drive home. Alongside the road I saw a very attractive lady with a flat tyre on her car. I stopped to help, changed the tyre for her and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered me money for changing the tyre, but I refused, so she suggested that at least I could allow her to buy me a beer. She told me there was a tavern a little further up the road where I could also clean my hands in the restroom. I agreed, got cleaned up, had a beer with her and then another. This led to having a few more beers, and I realized that this girl was not only very pretty, she was very friendly and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having mind blowing sex. And that is why I am late home".

His wife looked him straight in the eye, slapped his face with the cheese side of the pizza and said, "don't bullshit me you lying pig. You stayed at the club to play 36 holes didn't you". :D

 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming pool have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

 

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)

God replied: "sh*t! I didn't recognize you."

 

a guy looked over his fence and seen a little girl digging a big hole he asked what are you doing? my gold fish died and i am putting to rest , the man said that is a big hole for a little gold fish, she said that is because its inside your fkn cat

 

now here is a funny commercial :

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Several men are in the locker room at a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man, who had just had a terrible round of golf, engages the hands free function and begins to talk. The other guys stop what they are doing and listen.
Man. "Hello"
Woman "Hi honey - it's me. Are you at the golf club ?"
Man. "Yes"
Woman "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's nearly $3 grand but it's a beauty. Ok if I buy it?"
Man "Of course babe, just go ahead and buy it if you like it that much"
Woman "Wonderful. I also stopped at the Range Rover showroom. I saw the latest model that I really like"
Man "How much"
Woman "$70 grand"
Man "Ok, but for that price I want it with all the options"
Woman "Great. Oh, one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house we wanted last year is back on the market and available. They are asking $1.1 million for it"
Man "Well, go ahead and make an offer of $1 million. They'll probably accept it. If not, we can go the extra 100 grand if it's what you really want"
Woman "That's fantastic. See you later. Love you soooooo much"
Man "Love you too, bye"

The man cuts off the call and puts the phone down. The other guys in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, when he turns to face them and says "does anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

I love this! View attachment 8791