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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Two Swiss guys, Luca and Ueli, are planning to go to the boulevard on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Ueli has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Luca, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Luca is really pissed off at first that Ueli spent their last money on a sausage, but Ueli lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Ueli suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Ueli says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Ueli's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Luca isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Luca: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as f*ck...!" Ueli: "No worries...I lost that sausage in the third pub!"
     
    PatO, Feb 12, 2013
    #1851
  2. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    For my ex-wifes birthday, I bought her a coat made of hamster skin. Then I took her out for a trip to Coney Island. Took me 4 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
     
    Broadside, Feb 12, 2013
    #1852
  3. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    A foreigner, his asawa, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

    The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

    The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’
     
    PatO, Feb 13, 2013
    #1853
  4. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Sign on the door at the last happy ending massage parlor on north highway that got closed down: "Beat it, we're closed"
     
    PatO, Feb 13, 2013
    #1854
  5. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     
    Knowdafish, Feb 14, 2013
    #1855
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    TAKE MY BUTT TO JAIL : When a trooper pulled over a driver for speeding he asked him why he was speeding. The driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

    While the man was juggling, a car driven by a drunken old chap pulled in behind the patrol car. The driver got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and asked him what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail cause there ain't no way I can pass THAT test.”
     
    Charlie, Feb 15, 2013
    #1856
  7. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Sexual Harassment...



    Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

    He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

    After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

    She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

    The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    "It's Frank. The Midget."
     
    Charlie, Feb 15, 2013
    #1857
  8. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     
    Knowdafish, Feb 16, 2013
    #1858
  9. joseph domaille

    joseph domaille DI Member

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    He will fit in well with the morning coffee gang lol
     
    joseph domaille, Feb 16, 2013
    #1859
  10. onlymichael

    onlymichael DI Member

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    A woman gives sex for love...

    a man gives love for sex (not always :wink:
     
    onlymichael, Feb 17, 2013
    #1860
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