Where's the humor on here?

I need a copy of this in Visayan....

 

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver , Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. ! In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked my cell phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs! , Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the d*mn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.

d*mn women drivers

 

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'

Have a nice day...

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?


"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to
love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."


The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a d*mn wall."

 

a jewish mans wife, he wanted to let friends know of this so he rang the local news paper to inquire the cost of a small add
he was told 5 words for 5 dollars . his reply was ok here is my add 'FREDIA DIED VOLVO FOR SALE

 

You need this Pat! hehe

 

Your're bullshittin' me...

You're bullshittin' me...

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
check. He marched up to the counter and said, " Hi . You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes - Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also
have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges
as the daughter is in her mid-20 's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

I am like a vintage car i rally once a month and have to be started by hand

 

Inflation

:D Came across this Yesterday, made me smile, as it may get to this one day, in the not so distant future.