Where's the humor on here?

: Pondering

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me.
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Some Mature Thoughts:
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.

 

An upset man Goes to a Sex
Therapist.
Man: Doc, you Gotta help
me. Please!
Doc: Sure Dude. Whats your
problem?
Man: It goes like this. Every
Morning I get up & give my
wife Hot Sex.
Then leave for office. I give
a lift to my girlfriend, while
going to Office, she gives
me an amazing blowjob.
While in office, After lunch I
give My
secretary a Quickie behind
My table
doggy style.
After I finish Work, I have
steamy sex
with a Callgirl whom I
order everyday.
While Returning home
from office I
bang girlfrnd in my car.
While at home, I f*ck my
wife till she Is half Dead.
After Dinner she gives a
nice blow job to finish of
My Day.
Doc: Well you Seem to
have an Amazing sex life. I
dont see any problem..??
Man: There is a problem
Doc.
It hurts when I Masturbate
at Midnight.

 

An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church services in
town.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her
purse, wrote a note and handed it to John.

The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
do?"

John scribbled back "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

I told this joke to some friends today so will clean it up for the post because the unedited version is rather graphic.

This American picks up a girl at Whytietheknott, takes her to his place and performs cunninglus (look it up if unsure) on her. While in process, he ends up with a piece of green foreign matter in his mouth. He shouts, oh my word, are you sick or something? She says, no, the guy before you was.

 

It's No Fun Getting OldMy new neighbor is single and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room.I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.She knocked on my door. I rushed to open it.She looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?"I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free… I have no plans at all!"Then she said, "Good! In that case, would you look after my dog?"It's no fun being old!!!

 

What I look for now in a girl

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big t*ts!