Where's the humor on here?

Hi Dave,
Now I go to Bed with a smile, thank you, you made me laugh.
Patient Angel

 

The perfect wife?

 

Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."


"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

 

From My daughter she wants to share this!:dnr:


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.

 

A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? "Furthermore, this joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY, and there was happiness throughout the land!

 

Random Reflections
As I was lying around pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's @ss anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish and drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

.. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

.. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

A Lesson in Irony… Apropos to the Above Article



The Food Stamp Program, administered by the US DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever, to 46 MILLION PEOPLE.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the US Department of the Interior, asks us, "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is: "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

THUS ENDS TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY.