Where's the humor on here?

A man walking down the beach sees a fancy bottle and picks it up. After cleaning it off and looking at it for a minute, he pulls the cork out of the top of the bottle and a genie pops out of the bottle.

The genie says " Oh Thank you for releasing me! For your reward, I will grant you three wishes, but I know you were unfaithful to your wife, so your ex-wife gets twice of whatever your wish for yourself is".

Man thought about it a minute and said "Ok..For my first wish, I'd like a billion dollars"

The Genie says "There you are. There is 1 billion dollars in your bank account and 2 billion dollars in your ex-wifes' bank account".

Then the man says "For my second wish, I'd like a never ending supply of young beautiful women that think I am the greatest man on earth".

The Genie snaps his fingers and beautiful women come running from everywhere, surrounding the man and fawning all over him. The Genie said " There you are. All the beautiful women you want and your ex-wife now has thousands of handsome men that grant her every pleasure".

The Genie says..."and your third and final wish will be"?

The man thought about it awhile and said "Genie, I want you to beat me exactly half to death"....

 

I went to the Senior Citizens Club last night as they had a quiz competition. It was a dead-heat first between me and another guy, so they had a tie-break question, but I lost by one point. The question was "where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Africa. Who would have guessed ?

 

Boadside, you were robbed!:D

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

An obituary printed in the London Times... Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death:
- by his parents, Truth and Trust,
- by his wife, Discretion,
- by his daughter, Responsibility,
- and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

True story,

My gf was taking about what to name our future child if a girl. She said: "I want to name her Shaleese" so I asked why. She said: "Shaleese is responsible for us making a baby." So I told her I don't even know anyone named Shaleese and she said: "Nooooo, not SHALEESE . . . . C-I-A-L-I-S