Where's the humor on here?

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?' I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.' "'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?' 'Who said my Father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my Nono's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' 'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.' At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?' 'Who said he wanted to?' Let's be careful out there!

 

Seems logical to me.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?

What dear? she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.




I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.

 

Another frog story..............
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the no-good prick who ran over my FROG!'

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant. Suddenly, an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their
table, gave the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, said she'll see him later, and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and demanded, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Bentley in the garage, no more yacht club, no more credit card and no more large Bank accounts. However, the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asked the wife.

"That's his mistress." said her husband.

"Ours is prettier!" she replied.

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too; especially chicken and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..?