Best Posts in Thread: Dating in the Philippines

I think this is one of our most interesting threads and some very interesting comments and I hope we can get more input and hear more experiences. In some of our earlier years, like before the first marriage, the mindset was:
First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes baby
in a baby carriage
However, for most guys coming here (no pun intended), the majority are merely looking for a low stress, low cost of living, find a cute gf, and enjoy life. But the other side of the coin is the gf has different wants and needs and feels a responsibility to somehow care for her family. If that means finding a foreigner bf to accomplish her mission, then some will do whatever it takes including multiple bf's, if necessary. Many foreigners have no desire or intentions to provide extended support. So the gf feels pressure from the family and it becomes difficult to maintain a stable relationship. The problem is long before most of us arrived here, those expectations almost became a standard.
So my advice is for a guy to be aware of what he is walking into and try and agree on some ground rules so when the aunt gets sick or i got to pay mama's PhilHealth, the bf or husband may be looked at for help. Be aware if you totally refuse to recognize that sort of responsibility, the guy sitting next to you in the bar may be willing.
Oz-Roger made a good point about a guy enjoying his bliss with a smile on his face when he dies. If that works for you, how much does it matter if the girl truly loves you or staying with you for money? Did your fat @ss ex western wife really love you after all those wasted years?
For many of us, this here may be the final chapter of our life story. Hoping for a happy ending for all.

 

That sort of ignorance is bliss mate, as long as they die with a smile on their face, who cares.........lol :D

Besides, do you not think that some Western Women hook up with guys only for the money and security ?

It has been said that------ generally, men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love or whatever ??????????? With no mention at all of particular Nationalities involved.

 

Simply put, there are guys who can make a sensible and appropriate judgement call about a good partner for them, and there are guys that cannot...........lol..............:D You will hear all the horror stories from the latter, and hear not a murmur from the former.........

 

Thinking more about this subject, I thought about two experiences that had similar attributes. Dating a young beautiful filipina, for me, was similar to diving here for the first few times (I got certified for diving at the same time I got into the aforementioned relationship, then came here to dive when it ended). Both the relationship and diving had beauty, fun, excitement, and although were a little costly you didn't worry about. But they both had some unknowns, mysteries, fears, lots of little things to worry about, so you always seemed to tell yourself to relax and go along for the ride so you can enjoy it more. For me, both were an infatuation.

 

I never thought it at the time but I think Wrye was spot on when he talked about "infatuation" as opposed to "love". Looking back at a relationship I had with a beautiful but crazy filipina immediately after I got divorced (lessons learned #1 - that is not a good time to enter a new relationship, for many reasons - too easy to go out of the frying pan and into the fire) living in Makati 7 years ago, I got what I now understand was infatuated with that girl (lessons learned #2 - infatuation quickly leads to naivety and you do stupid things). After about 5 months of bliss but heartache and headaches, I knew it wasn't going to work; however, it took me another 4 months of pure hell, including 2 big time suicide attempts by her, to finally send her on her way. By that time I was a wreck and so was she.
The only good that came out of that relationship is that I then knew what I didn't want - that is the key lessons learned #3.
Note: she ended up joining her sister working at a bar in Puerta Princessa and got knocked up and had a baby. The last month she stayed with me I suspected she stopped taking her birth control pills so I would get her pregnant and keep her but the infatuation was long gone and that didn't happen.

 

I think your post is rational and searching, not like most of my posts including possibly this one. Long term stable relationships are certainly I a challenge here no matter how gwapo, or ugly you are, how young or old you are or how rich or poor you may be. Stable is the key word here as the Filipino cultural behaviors characteristics are not stable. You cannot count on anything said or promised here most of the time. So to build a relationship on trust (anticipating future events) is very difficult here.

One of the concepts that I think has to be understood is that there many Filipino woman are searching for a different definitions of those words also... Here are some general categories of Filipinas: Young smart and ambitious, Young without a clue, Young pressured by her family; Nice working girl (as opposed to naughty working girls) ; Career woman looking at the ticking clock; Singe moms looking for security; Older Widowed Woman; Very Conservative Older Virgin; Separated woman: or one of my favorites – Dancers of Entertainers.

Men come here with many different agendas also. There is the committed man looking for the: Expat lifestyle experience, Committed to not becoming an Expat; Exploring becoming an Expat; The swinger; The drinker; and of course The Jerk – bad person. There are also different seasons of life, from the young stud to the old stud, to the retired man trying to find the peace (or piece) in his life that he has been missing.

Each category of man or Filipina needs to be understood to some extent. I found the book “A man’s guide to Life and Love in the Philippines by Larry Eltermann (who I have been told is/was a local from Dumaguete) very helpful as used as a mirror to define myself, and as microscope to deciding what type of woman each woman I meet is. It also helped me decide what type of woman I may want to look for. Of course my criterial for the type of desirable woman I am looking for changes often, which is why I am still single. It is hard to be in a candy store, and pick only one item for me personally

Language and culture barriers can make it a bit more difficult but I find the biggest hurdles are the life experiences and social and financial statuses. (a quote from Wrye’s post)

The cultural and social backgrounds have tremendous influences as far as what we think is right and the correct way to live. If we are insistent that only our lifestyle is right, we are dead meat (pun intended) in find a woman we can live in peace with. The Filipinas lifestyle goals do not match the lifestyles of many of the expats – because we are different. There needs to be a lot of compromise, and reduction of pride. Pride reduction is not a strong characteristic of Filipinos I have noticed, but can also be an expat problem too.


It seems to me that romance, lust and infatuation fit together more so that romance and love.(a quote from Wrye’s post)

Honestly most of us did not come here to experience the romance of the Coconut Groves, and other natural scenes of the area. We came to experience the natural beauties, as in Filipinas, after most likely unsuccessful relationships in our mother county. Lust, infatuation, and the Filipino specialty “Drama” sends our lifestyle compasses spinning and trajectories in life in crazy directions. This is what makes relationships difficult here. We get confused and instead of looking for fulfilling relationship… we end up looking for romance and sexual adventure many times which can become fleeting moments of passion.


Most expat-filipina relationships I see in the Philippines (not pointing any fingers here) seems to be mostly infatuation or just lust. Nothing wrong with that but it will get old and it will almost always go south once the person with the infatuation gets burnt out and the relationship getsstagnant. A healthy relationship should see the two (or more if you are into that kind of thing) making each others life better, not one person centering their life around the other. I rarely see this and I myself have had to strongly push my girlfriend to improve on her life and not just leave it "up to me".(a quote from Wrye’s post)

I agree that the goal should be to make each other’s life better for each person in a relationship. Unfortunately that seems to primarily be the male expats criteria to rescue the Filipina, whereas the Filipinas criteria seems to centered more on improving her personal life, along with here immediate family and her closest 100 cousins too. Let us be honest, it is not the fat belly, beer breath or the bulge in the pants that attract the Filipinas as much as the fat wallets bulging out in the back pocket. There is little security in the Filipino culture so the search for security often leads to the Expats bedroom. Personally I am not sure I have mastered accepting this fact that the Filipinas (including her immediate family and 100 closest cousins) criterial for partner selection is almost solely focused on security issues. . If I am going to buy a “life partner” then preferring variety, I would rather just use “rent a wives” for a short time adventure, Those type seem to be readily available here with little planning for their future other than the next meal or birthday gift. (Why is it that every woman I meet here has her birthday in the next week after I meet her, and asks for a gift?).

I have heard the story too many times that I have never given the Filipina anything (implying that my good lucks and charm attract her) … well but I did give her mother a 12,000 P phone for Christmas, pay for her single mother sister’s recent hospital delivery etc. The best story I heard was from an expat in McDonalds as he showed me pictures on his phone... “Oh I have met this wonderful Filipina, she never asked for anything, her family is rich because they have a washer… she just wants to come over and “play” for a few hours and the go back to Silliman College. “ A few weeks later I ran in to him again and asked how his wonder relationship with his Filipina friend was going: “oh it is over, she was too expensive” Now how the hell can a woman who asked from nothing be too expensive? The woman have the idea that the Expats are desperate fools that are made of money for the taking because we teach them to think that way by our actions. If we quit lying to each other about this fact, relationships here will become much easier and beneficial to Filipinas and Expats (including visitors) here.

I know many of my ideas do not reflect the overall expat population here, but also probably do reflect that attitude of many more expats here than they would like to admit. I have met some very happy older expats here that are with young very nice Filipinas life partners. My comments and thoughts are not a swipe at them, and I admire and envy their successes here in Dumaguete. My apologies to anyone who thinks I may have offended them in advance and my praise for anyone who viewed my thoughts as having merit and find them useful to find what they are looking for in life here.

 

After reading this topic , with great interest ,since we al know the gf stories ,[or experianced them personaly]
i know one thing for sure
no matter how or what U ALWAYS PAY UP IN HERE,
some more than others,
since most of the woman [ gf or wife ] not even work , or have a decent income
but thats the choise we guys make right

those only seek holiday gf
pay for the company they get ,

while the retired or long term guys , pay for u wife ,gf in here
but its funny how naive some gys are thinking she's the real deal

cuz if ur cash run out , ur gf too, unless u we look like bratt pit hehe
i got few gf around , and talk alot about this with them
given chance in a better world where they got decent jobs
incomes
they rather have a [pinoy ] bf or husband of there own age.
and this is normal ,would u walk around with a wife twice ur age??
anyway ,its ok as long u keep both feet on the ground