Fight the virus with humour

MMMmmmmm, I guess you didn't attend any of the High School Reunion's after that.

 

A woman walks in to a crowded Bar one warm summers evening, she is wearing a sleeveless summer dress, the place is crowded with men, so she sticks up her arm high into the air and shouts anyone like to buy this Lady a drink, now it just so happens she has very hairy armpits, an old drunk sitting on a stool at the end of the Bar says to the barman ; Get that Ballerina a drink from me, so the barman complies with his wish, just a short time later the arm complete with the hairy armpits goes up in the air again, again she says: anyone like to buy this lady a drink, for the second time she was being ignored but the old drunk come to the rescue again saying; get the Ballerina another drink from me, then the Barman says hey Pal, this is not the first time she has been here mooching drinks from the customers, apart from that, what makes you think she is a Ballerina I'm sure she is not?

The Old Drunk replies are you that stupid son? anyone can tell that if a woman can lift her leg that high in the air she has got to be a Ballerina!

 

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands, being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he was trained to lick my but clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper, because of hoarders.

 

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're d*mn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to come."

 

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me!

And there you are...

Sitting on your @ss...

At your computer, reading jokes...

Nice. Real nice...