⌛ Joke for the day

I went fishin' this mornin' but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For all y'all Northerners and City Folk, a "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin-- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America, and generally the meanest, bein' more aggressive than rattlesnakes.) Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishin' usin' the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

 

:D:D Almost spilt my coffee...!:D:D:D

Have you got enough Jack Daniels with you?:D

 

hahahaha,nice one. good jokes for my stressful day.thnx

 

Joke for the day

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until your coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.
Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

 

I told your snake joke to a to a bunch of friends today, Maybe they are still laughing! Good one. I took my wife fishing the other day and didn't catch a thing, she ate all the bait! Haa Haa

 

Joke for the day

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No t*ts
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - b*tch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.