Best Posts in Thread: Supporting Your SO

My biological father died when I was an infant and my step father (dad) stepped up and filled that father role. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man doing this. I would argue it takes an even bigger man to step up and be a good role model and father figure for a child that isn't his biological child. It is a very admirable trait IMO. I'm glad my dad didn't see me as extra "baggage".

 

I'm not certain it is as common as you perceive it to be.

Maybe we could look at it from a different angle: We shouldn't forget that these men are adults with agency. They have made a decision, one that is in line with cultural expectations in their host country and is not uncommon among locals, to support their spouse and extended family. I'm almost certain that the reasons behind such a decision vary greatly between individuals.

Some likely do so because they have had past trauma in their life and have grown into a less than perfect adult (as we all are) with huge insecurities about desertion and trust and do it out of fear of losing their spouse.

Some likely do it because they truly love their spouse and want them and their family to prosper and be comfortable.

There could also be some with malicious intent that are actually the predators in this situation (not the spouse's family).

There are many who mutually benefit from such an arrangement. Say a foreigner is ill and needs to be taken care of. The family takes care of the foreigner while the foreigner takes care of the family. Quid pro quo.

There are a thousand other reasons why a man may choose to support their spouse's extended family. Is it admirable? Well IMO, that really depends on the intent and that is something that can only be known by looking at each case individually. Regardless, if nobody is being harmed I see no issue with it and I wouldn't look down on anyone just for having such an arrangement.

Additionally, from what I have personally seen there are very few foreigners that are being taken advantage of by the locals. Most of the time both parties are gaining from the relationship in some way (which is completely normal for relationships) or, which I see quite often, it is the opposite way around: Mentally unstable men controlling local women to an abusive level.

These type of men eventually get burned at their own game, but many times this is just a local doing what needs to be done to escape a relationship that they are, very frequently, financially held hostage to. I've heard countless sob stories from both the foreigner and Filipino viewpoint. Both parties almost always share some blame in the breakup but I tend to side with the Filipina who comes from a life of poverty, poor education and lack of opportunity. The foreigner knows better, knows how to reach out and knows how to get help for their mental issues. Their mental illness is in no way a defense for their cruelty.