Dumaguete Info Search


Supporting Your SO

Discussion in 'Expat Section' started by Obliged Friend, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. Rye83

    Rye83 with pastrami Secured Account Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Army

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    I'm not certain it is as common as you perceive it to be.

    Maybe we could look at it from a different angle: We shouldn't forget that these men are adults with agency. They have made a decision, one that is in line with cultural expectations in their host country and is not uncommon among locals, to support their spouse and extended family. I'm almost certain that the reasons behind such a decision vary greatly between individuals.

    Some likely do so because they have had past trauma in their life and have grown into a less than perfect adult (as we all are) with huge insecurities about desertion and trust and do it out of fear of losing their spouse.

    Some likely do it because they truly love their spouse and want them and their family to prosper and be comfortable.

    There could also be some with malicious intent that are actually the predators in this situation (not the spouse's family).

    There are many who mutually benefit from such an arrangement. Say a foreigner is ill and needs to be taken care of. The family takes care of the foreigner while the foreigner takes care of the family. Quid pro quo.

    There are a thousand other reasons why a man may choose to support their spouse's extended family. Is it admirable? Well IMO, that really depends on the intent and that is something that can only be known by looking at each case individually. Regardless, if nobody is being harmed I see no issue with it and I wouldn't look down on anyone just for having such an arrangement.

    Additionally, from what I have personally seen there are very few foreigners that are being taken advantage of by the locals. Most of the time both parties are gaining from the relationship in some way (which is completely normal for relationships) or, which I see quite often, it is the opposite way around: Mentally unstable men controlling local women to an abusive level.

    These type of men eventually get burned at their own game, but many times this is just a local doing what needs to be done to escape a relationship that they are, very frequently, financially held hostage to. I've heard countless sob stories from both the foreigner and Filipino viewpoint. Both parties almost always share some blame in the breakup but I tend to side with the Filipina who comes from a life of poverty, poor education and lack of opportunity. The foreigner knows better, knows how to reach out and knows how to get help for their mental issues. Their mental illness is in no way a defense for their cruelty.
     
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  2. liannastar

    liannastar DI Member

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    True, but only if you allow it to go that far. Everyone has a choice in the end. No is a choice.
     
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  3. TheDude

    TheDude DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    Millions of dudes do this around the world, and someone thinks it's weird when expats in Dumaguete do it?

    No, it's one guy vs. two balls. The guy is outnumbered.

    Balls: Whoa! She's hot!
    Brain: I don't know, she has a kid and she'll probably ask for support to help her kids.
    Balls: Okay, let's put it to a vote!
    Vote: Balls: 2, Brain 1.
    Balls: We win again!
     
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  4. Notmyrealname

    Notmyrealname DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    Said before that you should be a lawyer.
     
  5. Happy Camper

    Happy Camper DI Forum Adept Showcase Reviewer

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    Ever take the time to think that they might be doing it because they want to. I never have met any that act as if someone is holding a gun to their head. The world is full of really good people, it's just that we don't hear that much about them, we hear all sorts about the bad/evil ones though.
     
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  6. Roadwitch80

    Roadwitch80 DI Member

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    Because they TOLD me they don’t want to, but is what it is? I literally have four people I know in just my neighborhood who have told me this. In an attempt to save their marriages, two of them are planning on leaving Dumaguete just to get some distance from the family. I fully supported that idea of living further away. Get distance if you can’t say No.
     
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  7. Happy Camper

    Happy Camper DI Forum Adept Showcase Reviewer

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    That is the advice that I like to give. Live close enough that the wife or girlfriend can get home in the event of an emergency, but far enough away so that the relatives can't come over at will. That usually solves the problem.
     
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  8. TheDude

    TheDude DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    My favorite question. "Do you have a extra money?"

    Sorry, you have to get here earlier in the day. The line for extra money starts before you get up.

    How early? Don't worry about it. No matter how early you get up, there's always someone who got up earlier than you did. :wink:

    Might be a lesson for hustling in there somewhere.
     
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  9. IggyPop

    IggyPop DI Member Showcase Reviewer

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    For a lot of people No is the hardest word to say.
     
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