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Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

  1. alex

    alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

    Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself. I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

    The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one framed and mounted before
     
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  2. tlrtraveler

    tlrtraveler DI Forum Adept

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    AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE!

    The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties early fifties.




    "May I help you sir?" she asked.


    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

    Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

    He replied,
    "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.


    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."


    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again.

    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
    The man replied, " Nova Scotia ."


    "Really," she said. "I have family in Nova Scotia ."

    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:


    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
     
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  3. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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  4. alex

    alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    s ·


    A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

    Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"

    Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

    Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft!

    They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

    The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
    and said i am not selling.
     
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  5. Rye83

    Rye83 with pastrami Secured Account Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Army

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    Always read the small print:
    funeralhomesign.jpg
     
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  6. Rye83

    Rye83 with pastrami Secured Account Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Army

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    Ha. I did all of those. I knew I could stick out my tongue and breath through my nose but I tried it anyways. Went downhill from there.

    [​IMG]
     
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  7. grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Smile there is a lot of humor in this world and in Dumaguete City.

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
     
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  8. RichD

    RichD DI Member Veteran Air Force

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    It's A Mans' World

    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a five -pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

    You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!



    NICKNAME: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.



    EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



    MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



    BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items



    ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



    MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



    DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



    NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



    OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
     
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  9. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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  10. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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