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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Smile there is a lot of humor in this world and in Dumaguete City.

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
     
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  2. pickled_newt

    pickled_newt DI Forum Patron

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    EU Commission directive :English as the language of the EU rather tha German

    The European Commission

    The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
    By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!







    ...and ve al be speking german:D
    ________________________________________
     
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  3. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army

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    das ist korekt mine herr :D
     
  4. pickled_newt

    pickled_newt DI Forum Patron

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    How the EU works

    " How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the rules and in Italy they have no rules at all. " :D
     
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  5. Gene

    Gene DI Member

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    Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor, to consule him for what he is._ Wall Street Journal
    I thought it holds true most of the time!
     
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  6. pickled_newt

    pickled_newt DI Forum Patron

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    Cause of Global warming

    Global warming caused
    by increased activity in Hell
    By John Breneman

    Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.

    A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.


    Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis, Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.

    For example:

    -- Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous fiscal year.

    -- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent, due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s and 90s.

    -- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

    The Helsinki report also cited charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.

    Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."

    "This is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.

    Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.

    "The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch -- call him what you will -- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."

    The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington, D.C. :D
     
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  7. TUYOM

    TUYOM DI Member

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    you're absolutely right pickled newt
     
  8. Decon_phils

    Decon_phils DI Member

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    This NUN visits the doctor with a complain that she hardly menstruates, but during menstruation she finds poststamps in her panties. Doctor smiles, and examines her........ Ma'm Those are not poststamps, but Chiquita (banana) stickers !!!!

    Hv fun
    Ryan
     
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  9. The Dane

    The Dane DI Senior Member

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    Wow, welcome to the website of gentle people...

    Just did a temporary cleanup here...

    I am in Manila online on my laptop via my cell phone, very very slow connection.

    I will be back in Dumaguete tonight and then see if we need further cleaning up here.
     
  10. TUYOM

    TUYOM DI Member

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    what's the difference between the government and the mafia?
    one of them is organized.:D

    peace
     
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