Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

As with many of you, the frustration of living in the Philippines seems to affect my attitude at times. Having to deal with the political rubbish of my mother country and the Philipines is over whelming sometimes. So I asked around for advice on Anger management… I got some Aussie style anger management program advice. If you get some really rude phone calls it may be from me… do not be offended I am just practicing my new style of Anger Management.


“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *sshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*sshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *sshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*sshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *sshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first *sshole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW *sshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an *sshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called *sshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an *sshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, '*sshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *sshole,' and hung up.

Then I called *sshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, *sshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your @ss'

I answered, 'Well, *sshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

 

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'sh*t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Just think! They won't be voting this year!!

 

Filipino Blame

 

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My bike was parked around the corner.

 

I think I will stay walking the Dogs, Ankle snapping gets to a new level.