Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The @ss hole is usually in charge!

Just remember the next time you are asked who is in charge here. Obviously the politicians in the in Philippines know this joke, as none of them every accept responsibility for anything if the question comes up "who was in charge here?" I think they are part of the joke sometimes.

 

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:
“Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today and she figures they are
worth a minimum of £2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day;
Now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary”.

 

And, of course there is always "being put through the wringer" when arrested and interrogated by the Police....

...this refers to the old style washing machines that had the two rubber rings on top called the "wringer" that wrung out the clothes after washing, to get the water out before hanging up to dry. There was a handle that was used to turn the wringers.

 

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

 

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

 

In tribute to the Pope's visit and the anticipated visit of Kim K:

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

 

Apologies if these are repeats [h=3]The Interview[/h] A young man is interviewing for a position.
The boss asks, "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
The young man replies, "Honesty."
The boss says, "I don't think of honesty as a weakness."
The young man replies, "I don't give a d*mn what you think."
[h=3]The Interview, #2[/h] A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry level position.
His prospective boss asked, “Are you a smoker?”
“Not even a little,” said the young man.
“How about alcoholic beverages?”
“Never touch ‘em,” he replied.
The boss smiled and asked, “So you spend a lot of time with girls?”
The applicant said “No, not really.”
“So you don’t have any vices?”
“Well, I do have one,” he admitted.
“And what would that be?” the boss asked.
“I tell lies.”

 

The Meaning of Life

>
>
>>
>>>>> The Meaning of Life
>>>>>
>>>>> On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
>>>>> door
>>>>> of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will
>>>>> give
>>>>> you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
>>>>> barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So
>>>>> God
>>>>> agreed.
>>>>>
>>>>> On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
>>>>> do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life
>>>>> span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
>>>>> don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
>>>>> okay?" And God agreed.
>>>>>
>>>>> On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
>>>>> field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
>>>>> calves
>>>>> and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
>>>>> sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me
>>>>> to
>>>>> live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other
>>>>> forty." And God agreed again.
>>>>>
>>>>> On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
>>>>> and
>>>>> enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only
>>>>> twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the
>>>>> cow
>>>>> gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave
>>>>> back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
>>>>>
>>>>> So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
>>>>> ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
>>>>> family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
>>>>> grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
>>>>> and
>>>>> bark at everyone.
>>>>>
>>>>> Life has now been explained to you.
>>>>> Jim :D