Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

EU Commission directive :English as the language of the EU rather tha German

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!







...and ve al be speking german:D
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A Scottish Farmer was looking out his window this particular morning and at the foot of his Hillside farm runs a stream and he thinks he can see someone down there, so he straightens up his Kilt get his crook and has a wander down there, when he gets a little closer he sees one of these backpacker types, trying to balance his pack with one hand and trying to drink water with the other one and not making a very good job of it.

He is still quite far off when he shouts at the man saying; Hoots Mon! dinnae drink the wattur it's foo O' Hoss p*ss and Coo's sh*t, come up ti the Hoose an A' kin foo yer canteen wi clean stuff, at that the mans stands up and says; Sorry Sir I am from Cornwall in England and I do not understand the Scottish vernacular, can you please speak to me using the Queens English and also a little more slowly. The farmer replies in his best high fooluting English; I'm so Dreadfully Sorry, Cup,,,Both,,,Hands,,,Together,,,You will,,,Spill,,,Less,,,that,,,Way

 

It's A Mans' World

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a five -pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!



NICKNAME: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.



EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items



ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!