Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

A Filipina motorist was about two hours from Dumaguete when she was flagged down by a man whose Truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Dumaguete?"

"Sure," answered the Filipina, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is; I've got two Monkeys in the back of my Truck that have to be taken to the Amlan Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you 1,000 pesos for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the Filipina.

So; the two Monkeys were ushered into the back seat of the Filipina's car, carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was back on the road and driving through the heart of Dumaguete when suddenly he was horrified! There was the Filipina, walking down the street, holding hands with the two Monkeys, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the Filipina.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you 1,000 pesos to take these Monkeys to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the Filipina. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Jolibee."

 

Sounds about right... hehe

 

How is a Ford Explorer be called when it crashes into a window?
Windows Explorer

How is a Ford Explorer being called whose tyres explodes?
Ford Exploder.

The jokes have a serious background. One of the first Ford Explorer models had a bigger issues with exploding tyres causing many accidents and deaths.

 

Have you been leaving reviews on Amazon again mate? *SNORRRK*

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FUNNIEST STORY EVER: Do NOT use Hair Removal Cream on your Wedding Tackle​

21 February 2014 at 03:59
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT LAUGHING LIKE AN IDIOT IN A RESTAURANT

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

 

An old woman walked up and tied her old Mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young Gunslinger stepped out of the Saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of Whiskey in the other. The young Gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed; "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the Gunslinger and said; "No... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the Gunslinger grinned and said; "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old woman's feet!

The old woman prospector, not wanting her toes blown off, started hopping around like crazy! Everybody in the crowd as well as the Gunslinger were laughing at the old woman's antics! When his last bullet had been fired, the young Gunslinger still laughing, holstered his gun and turned to go back into the Saloon...

The old woman turned to her Pack Mule, pulled out a Double Barrel Shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud "clicks" carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately!

The young Gunslinger heard the sounds also, and he turned around very, very slowly. The silence was deafening... The crowd watched, as the young Gunslinger stared at the old woman and directly into the large gaping holes of those twin barrels...

The barrels of the Shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a Mule's @ss?"

The Gunslinger swallowed hard and said; "No Ma'am, but I have always wanted to!"

There are FIVE Lessons here for all of us to learn from;
01) Never be arrogant.
02) Don't waste ammunition.
03) Whiskey makes you think you are smarter than you actually are.
04) Always make sure you know who really holds the power.
And; 05) Don't mess with old people; they do not get to be old by being stupid!

 

Four ways to load a truck...
Creative Movers in Taiwan

Loading a Motorcycle Like a Boss
https://www.chonday.com/videos/biketruload2#.U8avtmaMqKk.email

 

One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you ! Pericles (430 B.C.)

Government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a healthy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The only difference between the tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop