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Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

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nwlivewire DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army Navy

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Toto said: ↑

Not sure how to post this. Not a joke, but well worth a look.

Two Tangled Swans Beg Man For Their Rescue
Click to expand...

WOW! Lucky for those two swans that help just happened to be there at the time they needed help.

Kudos to the fellow that seperated them!

V/R,
nwlivewire
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nwlivewire, Mar 13, 2016

#2985
alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped very close to a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years
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alex, Mar 11, 2016

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alex, Mar 9, 2016

#2976
Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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This as well

Good Job we got technology, even here
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Jack Peterson, Mar 9, 2016

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Show Pony DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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Show Pony, Mar 2, 2016

#2970
Crystalhead ADMIN Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ ★ Moderator ★ ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
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Crystalhead, Feb 29, 2016

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alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 120 km. per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F*** UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
only when he has been drinking
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alex, Feb 27, 2016

#2963
nwlivewire DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army Navy

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AlwaysRt said: ↑

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

Don’t Mess with Old People!
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I want this Grampa to go with me the next time I go see the IRS!

Too funny!

nwlivewire
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nwlivewire, Feb 18, 2016

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alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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alex, Feb 16, 2016

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Two men on a park bench, both with black eyes."Oh the silliest thing... the ticket agent happened to have a magnificent bosom, and though I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, it came out as "a picket to Titsburgh," so she punched me in the eye. Second man says "same exact thing happened to me at breakfast with the wife last week. I meant to say, honey, would you please pass the salt?, but what came out was"...... "Dumb arse! You've ruined my life!"
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Crystalhead, Feb 12, 2016

#2929

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