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Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

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  1. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
    "What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
    [DOUBLEPOST=1438849877,1438849680][/DOUBLEPOST]Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
    Bruce says; "What are you watching that sh*t for? You can't cook to save your life!."
    To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"
     
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    PatO, Aug 6, 2015
    #2733
  2. Show Pony

    Show Pony DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    [​IMG]
     
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    Show Pony, Jul 30, 2015
    #2727
  3. Show Pony

    Show Pony DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    [​IMG]
     
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    Show Pony, Jul 30, 2015
    #2726
  4. Rye83

    Rye83 with pastrami Admin Secured Account Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Army

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    11737839_10153773278031840_3324864644578316682_n.jpg
     
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    Rye83, Jul 21, 2015
    #2719
  5. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    lock out.png I said I was Sorry!:cat:

    JP :bag::cigar:
     
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    Jack Peterson, Jun 4, 2015
    #2691
  6. redhorse

    redhorse DI Forum Adept

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    Not that Filipina's are gullible but...

    Earlier this month we had a Pacquiao vs Mayweather viewing party at our house here in the US. But because we were also celebrating some birthdays AND the Kentucky Derby was the same day, we started rather early in the afternoon. So as the evening wore on, there were groans from some of the Filipinas in attendance when we told them the main event would not be airing until about 11:00 PM on the US east coast. They were afraid they might have to miss the fight to get young children home to bed or get ready for work the next day.

    "Not to worry", I said, "since the Philippines is 11 time zones ahead, it's already morning there and the fight results must be all over the morning news." Several of the gals actually reached for their cell phones and started texting relatives back home before they caught on!
     
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    redhorse, May 31, 2015
    #2686
  7. Rye83

    Rye83 with pastrami Admin Secured Account Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Army

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    @nwlivewire Withholding jokes from us eh? Well here is the joke that went over my head in your other thread.

    A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

    The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sh*t.

    "Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

    Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
     
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    Rye83, May 28, 2015
    #2685
  8. KINGCOLE

    KINGCOLE DI Senior Member Highly Rated Poster

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    Claude the Hypnotist at a Seniors Home:

    It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center,

    After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

    Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

    The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

    "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
    "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
    The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
    The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
    A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.They were hypnotized.
    And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

    "sh*t" said Claude.

    It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again!
     
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    KINGCOLE, May 4, 2015
    #2663
  9. KINGCOLE

    KINGCOLE DI Senior Member Highly Rated Poster

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    Tyrone

    None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and
    clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
    "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

    One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
    The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster,
    getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a
    stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the
    feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit,
    relocating to Cleveland.

    Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost
    incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to
    have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic
    could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have
    the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after
    the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She
    wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn
    blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly
    died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

    Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the
    Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to
    connect his vacuum cleaner.

    Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
     
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    KINGCOLE, Apr 30, 2015
    #2656
  10. KINGCOLE

    KINGCOLE DI Senior Member Highly Rated Poster

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    Nobody considered the sun when they built the bridge.
    Pecker Bridge.jpg
    Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located?

    'SAINT PETER'S BASILICA' Now, I don't care who you are, THAT'S funny!!...
     
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    KINGCOLE, Apr 19, 2015
    #2619
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