Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

Would a GROAN emoji be enough?

I know once someone didnot like my joke about viagra and gave me an ABHORRENT. It was almost as if viagra didn't work for them and it was somehow my fault. A Groan would have been sufficient.

 

The WiFi Password

ME: What's the Wifi password?
BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.
ME: I'll have a coke.
BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?
ME: Sure...how much is that?
BARTENDER: $5.
ME: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?
BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first, no spaces and all lowercase.

 

Now this brings me to having to say something here... (TRUE Story)

Filipino's apparently believe if you kill a Mouse or a Rat, its Relatives will come back to haunt you or seek revenge. I laugh my @ss off at the Wife each time I go on the mighty hunt to kill a Mouse here with her screeching that they will exact revenge upon me so DON'T!! Yeah; okay Asawa... *snorrrk*

Now; this delightful creature (see pic below) is an Asian (Philippine) Shrew. (NOT a Rat as I have since learnt) We have had a few come into the house since the rains started back up. I mistook them as a Rat, so the mighty Hunter in me came to the fore, and Tally Ho! I dispatched this fearsome creature in no time flat! Of course, the Wife gave me the usual lecture of how its Relatives would seek revenge upon my person and in return, I scoffed and laughed in her direction. *snork snorrrrk* That was, until around 15 minutes later while sitting here at the PC I saw a dark flash from the Bedroom and next thing BAM! The lil Son of a Biatch BIT ME RIGHT ON THE TOE!! The Relative had come to exact revenge upon my person! WTH??

Well; it is not as if I expected it, but the "I TOLD YOU SO's!" came thick and fast from the Wife explaining how now that I had killed one of the relatives, we would surely be haunted by a flood of these fearsome creatures attacking us in our sleep!

The very next night; I saw this lil SOB dart under my TV shelf, so I thought; "This is it, DIE YOU SOB!" And I up, and was about to swat him to meet his maker and day before departed relative, when the lil SOB turned and darted straight for me and latched onto THREE OF MY TOES on my left foot! SAVAGE is an understatement!

It was letting out a shrieking sound as it wrapped itself around the end of my foot biting down hard and repeatedly, well I think it was shrieking, as it was hard to hear over my shrieking as I was hopping backwards on my bad leg trying to shake this lil demon from my foot! I was shrieking, the Daughter on the Sofa was shrieking climbing the wall watching all of this unfurl right in front of her, and as soon as I stumbled backwards and fell over the Wife who was sitting here on the PC, she too started shrieking!

Yeah, goes with out saying I got another lecture from the Wife...

So; people, if you see one of these small dark creatures with a short tail, short legs, long nose and SHARP TEETH hugging the corners of your wall as it scurries along, fear not, as apparently they eat all sorts of creepy insects, spiders, even Mice! They are an eco-friendly Pest Control, and; your own worst enemy should you engage them in mortal battle, TRUST ME on THAT one!

 

I don't need jokes to laugh in the Philippines. All I have to do is look around. I have seen 7 on a motorcycle, 10 on a tricycle, I saw a guy sitting backwards on a motorbike and carrying an "aircon" on his knees. I have seen people carry a bicycle on a motorcycle. I was in the hospital the first of the week and I tried desperately to get my asawa to carry my "IV" pole with us, with "IV" still attached to me, on the motorcycle when going home but she refused. I wonder if that would have been a "first". I went to the opera once in New York and wore my tuxedo. I was on my way home on Long Island and stopped in Walmart, still in my tux. As I stood in an aisle, a woman rounded the corner, looked at me and stopped dead in her tracks and said, "I can die now!". She would have missed all this that she had never seen in the PI. I got up from a nap yesterday to find my asawa in the yard as shown in the picture below. She didn't like me walking through the tall grass to get to the motorbike so she was "trimming the lawn". Please don't send pics of lawnmowers or weedeaters as she knows nothing of these and I am of Scottish descent and want to keep my lawn cutting expense at a couple of bandages for blisters every two weeks. This is a real actual non posed picture.