Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

I had a GF who was interested in learning to drive and I was in the conversational/instruction stage and I was explaining that the fewer stupid things you do, the more comfortable you feel. Well, I evidently had a VIF very important Filipino behind me one day in stop and go traffic and without even looking to see if there was someplace to get back into the lane going our direction he pulled out into the opposing traffic lane and as an example I told her I'm not going to let him back in (normally I would) and the twenty cars behind us didn't let him back in either until someone finally did. he was stuck out there for about 3 minutes, or eternity, depends on where you are sitting. I then asked my GF "How do you think he felt"? I told her I would have been worried because anyone who wanted to try to make some money could hit me and it would be my fault if I were in the VIF's place.

Staying on the safe side seems like the best idea to me because I know for a fact that my guardian angel is an alcoholic and misses a lot of work days! But they have been there for the really crucial things so I won't complain too much.

 

Talking of maids!

 

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Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the sh*t out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the sh*t out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims."

 

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the BPI

 

This reminds me of the volunteer fire department at home when I lived in a rural area.

1) Leave a message on their answering machine
2) Mail them a postcard
3) Try and keep the fore going until they arrive. We don't want them to get discouraged

If you wanted the fire put out quickly you set your front yard on fire and call the Ministry of Natural Resources.
They will send a water bomber within minutes. (really).

 

............They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your d*mn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

 

I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget.
"You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked.
"Looking for a good time, are you?" she said, smiling.
"No," I replied. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that can fit through my cat flap."