Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

 

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: "Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): "Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?"

Bob: "Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company."

Bob got his desired raise.

 

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home. He wanted
her to see what he went though, so he prayed
Dear lord
I go to work everyday and put in 8 hours while my wife stays at home. Please switch bodies for a day
so she can see what I do. .
God in his infinite wisdom granted his wish.Sure enough the next morning the man was in the woman's
body. He arose and cooked breakfast for his family. Got the kids dressed ,made their school lunch and drove them to school.Came home and cleaned breakfast dishes. Drove to bank to make deposit then went to grocery store to buy food. Came home put away groceries, Paid bills and balanced checkbook. Cleaned out litter box after feeding the cat and bathing the dog. He then fed dog,vacuumed floor. cleaned house, made beds and then dusted. He did the laundry. He then ran and picked up the kids.
He had to stop kids from arguing and give them cookies and milk .He helped them do their homework.

He started peeling the potatoes,washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped green beans and cooked dinner. After supper he did laundry and ironed the clothes.He bathed the kids and finished cleaning up. He went to bed and made love even though he was tired.
Next morning he said Dear Lord what was I thinking . Please allow me to go back to my previous life.
The lord said I will after 9 months. You got pregnant last night.

 

AIDS WARNING !

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this information is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
[DOUBLEPOST=1423523430,1423523196][/DOUBLEPOST]Is this what Facebook means by the designation "complicated relationship"?

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.' The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.' His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son!!

 

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pop Pop, it was boring. We didn't see a single *sshole, piece of sh*t, horse's @ss, socialist left wing, blind b@st@rd, dip sh*t, Muslim camel humper, pecker head or son of a b*tch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

 

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
After day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. ... ..
Why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
A half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

 

A Blind man along with his Guide Dog is standing at a pedestrian crossing waiting on the light to change, his Dog decides to Pee all down his leg, at that the man takes a dog treat out of his pocket to give to his dog, another man standing nearby says to the Blind man, your Dog has just peed all down your leg and yet you decide to give it a dog treat?

The Blind man replies; DON'T BE FCUKING STUPID I HAVE TO FIND WHICH END HIS HEAD IS AT SO I CAN FOOT HIM RIGHT UP THE ARSE