Best Posts in Thread: Where's the humor on here?

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually“.
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch it’s a compass“.
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago!”



A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine.”

A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

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Fun with the English language:

Have you ever wondered????
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
* If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
* Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
* Why are they called “tug” boats? Aren’t they really “push” boats?
* Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
* Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
* Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
* Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
* Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
* Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
* Why is “phonics” not spelled “fonix”?
* Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
* Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
* Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
* What’s another word for “synonym”?
* Is there another word for “thesaurus”?
* Would a fly that injured its wings be called a “walk?”
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* If women can give birth to triplets and quadruplets, why not singlets and doublets?
* Is Atheism a non-prophet organization?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where is the Self-Help section?” She wouldn’t answer me.
* Why don’t you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
* If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you before you called them?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together? Aren’t they really “compartments”?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
* Why are there “interstate” highways in Hawaii?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make the pan stick to Teflon?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car it’s called a “shipment,” but when you transport something by ship it’s called “cargo”?
* Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* Why do noses run and feet smell?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
* Why call it a “building” if construction is complete? Shouldn’t it be called a “built”?
* What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?
* Why is it that misdialied phone numbers are never busy?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* Why do we call it a “hot water heater”? Isn’t it a “cold water heater”?
* Is the color orange called that because it’s the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that’s its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* After amphibians eat, do they have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
* How can there be self-help “groups”?
* It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
* What do Styrofoam manufacturers pack that stuff in for shipment?
* Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
* When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a “near miss”? Isn’t it a “near hit”?
* When sign makers go on strike, are their protest signs blank?
* If you try to fail, and then succeed, which one have you done?
* Why does “monosyllabic” contain five syllables?
* If you wear an antenna to a wedding, is the reception better?
* If you were “scared half to death” twice, would you be 75% dead or 100% dead?
* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
* What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* If ATM stands for “Automatic Teller Machine,” why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for “Personal Identification Number,” why do we call it a PIN number?
* Why do “flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing?
* What is the speed of dark?
* Why is it that rain “drops” but snow “falls”?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
* What happens to the tread that wears off tires?
* Are Santa’s helpers called Subordinate Clauses?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* Why do you never hear about gruntled employees?
* What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
* If a book about failures doesn’t sell well, is it a success?
* When dogs bark for hours on end, why don’t they ever get Laryngitis?
* Why do superficial paper cuts hurt more than grosser cuts?
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Why do engineers call it “research” when they’re searching for something new?
* If quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you “quit while you’re ahead?”
* When you pick something up so your hands are full, why does a place on your face start to itch?
* A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants over his pants?
* Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
* Why do they call it the “Department of Interior” when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
* If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If a rabbit’s foot was actually lucky, wouldn’t it still be attached to the rabbit’s leg?
* Why is a whole pizza round, then cut into triangles and placed in a square box?
* Why are boxing rings square?
* Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up about every two hours?
* Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them?
* Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?
* Why is it called a “word to the wise?” If they’re already wise, why do they need to hear it?
* What happened to 1up, 2up, 3up, 4up, 5up, and 6up?
* Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made of beef?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* Why aren’t there any B batteries?
* Why are they called “stairs” inside but “steps” outside?
* When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?
* Why do buffalo wings come from a chicken?
* Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
* Why are there no grapes or nuts in Grapenuts cereal?
* How do “Keep off the grass” signs get where they are?
* What do people in China call their good plates?
* Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
* What’s the difference between “null” and “void”?
* You can be “overwhelmed” and “underwhelmed,” but why can’t you simply be “whelmed”?
* How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
* Why do they call it a “Free Gift”? Doesn’t “gift” mean free?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

Ordering a Pizza in 2022 !!!!

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future...

 

I see people driving alone in their car wearing a mask.....
And wonder if they lay in bed alone wearing a condom?